Save Me ,New Moon ,A Dark ReWrite
by ThisGirlFuckingLovesEdward
Summary: Bella is kidknapped by James , He tortures Bella & she is left tromatized , Edward saves her only to realise what happend to her while James held her prisoner,He blames himself & realises there is only one way to really Save Bella but will he be too late?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Waiting in Darkness

Bella's POV

I laid there on the ground in the small dark cold room, feeling the hard smooth concrete beneath me was the only thing now that soothed me. I couldn't keep track of time anymore. I had lost all sense of it, How long had I been here, It could have been only hours though I doubted it, maybe days, weeks, it couldn't have been longer than that but I knew when I got too frightened I tended to just shut down, turn off, anyway possible to try to save myself, any way I could. So it could have been months, it felt like forever.

James kept the heavy door to my dark cell locked at all times, whenever he would close it I would hear something like the rattle of chains, I knew he didn't think I could escape on my own. So the sound of the chains and locks cracking on the outside of the door actually gave me hope.

Hope that it would not be long now till Edward found me. I just had to wait, wait for him to save me and when he did I would wait for him to kill James so I could watch, finally watch him beg and plead the way he had enjoyed watching me.

Only now lying on the cold ground I could feel my body pulsing and throbbing, it seemed like all my bones ached. The pain was all I could feel anymore, except for one tiny shred of hope that this would all end soon.

I put my hand to the back of my head and felt the deep cut in hidden in my hair, there was a lot of blood and helped to explain why when James came in here last time everything became very spotty and black, until there was only darkness.

The cut on my head was not the worst of it. My body was covered in pain; I could feel my hips screaming as if they had been squeezed almost hard enough to crush my bones. My ribs and wrists felt the same.

As I thought about the pain I had a horrible flash, something my mind must have been trying to push deep down inside of me so I didn't have to deal with it, It was James on top of me screaming at me, hitting me, and every time I tried to get up he just pushed me back down. As I lay there realising what had happened to me I looked over and gasped, I could see his face.

It made my eyes tear up in an instant because I knew it wasn't real, just another way for my mind to try to protect itself, But still I lay there staring in to his eyes and took a slow breath.

"Your here" was all I managed to push past my lips.

He stared back me with a sad smile and his eyes full of the darkest rage I had ever seen, he began to whisper looking into my eyes and talking through his teeth

"I am going to find you Bella…I promise."

"I love you" was all I could say to him as he put his fingers softly to my cheek wiping my tears

"I love you too Bella…I will save you" and then as if a breeze had come and taken him away he was gone.

I began to sob as I pulled my knees into my stomach even though it killed my body to do such an action. I tried to be quiet but the sobs became louder and louder; they were out of control.

I heard the locks and chains rattle; He was coming, I started shaking as I tried to push my helpless body up against the wall. He pushed his way through the heavy door with ease, and He looked down at me and smiled. His evil eyes felt like they alone could scare me to death. But I was not that lucky. I knew Edward must be close to me by now and I knew James knew it too.

He grabbed my jacket and lifted my body up like a doll

"Why are you crying Bella? Did you miss me" he laughed quietly to himself "You know I think I'm just about done with you, don't get me wrong Bella I had a lot of fun with you…did you have fun"

I couldn't answer I just closed my eyes and let the tears fall as I waited for death to find me. Then a shock went through my body as he slammed me into the wall, smashing my face into the bricks surrounding us

"Open your eyes and answer me"

I opened them that second and looked at him still speechless.

"Come on Bella…don't you like me, I know you have had more fun with me than what you did with him"

James just kept talking and hitting me and I did as I always did and lost myself inside my head.

Then it hit me as I looked up into the corner of the ceiling to see a crack and the sunlight shining through. I remembered that night in the alley when Edward saved me only by listening to the thoughts of the men around me, and James never said his name, he only came in here in the daytime as if he thought that is the only time Edward would not be able to find him.

I had not said his name… Before I could think I began to scream it.

"Edward, Edward help me, Edward"

'Shut up, you think he is going to save you"

I didn't listen to him. I could see the smallest bit of fear in his eyes and I kept screaming knowing the words would go into his mind, he wouldn't be able to help it, and Edward would hear me in James's thoughts screaming.

"Edward! Edward! please Edward!"

Before I could keep going I was knocked out and woke once again to the coolness of the concrete floor.

As I lay there I felt the still fresh tears on my face and knew I mustn't have been out for very long. The first thing I heard was James and it sent a shock through my body, he had such rage in his voice, He must be so angry with me. But wouldn't he be in here if I had upset him? Taking his anger out on me.

Than there it was, in what I believed to be the scariest darkest place on earth I heard the sweetest sound. It was Edward's voice, he was here.

Edward's POV

I was sure she must be dead. There was no reason James would keep her alive this long, no reason.

No reason I wanted to run over in my head he could be doing to her right now. I have been trying so hard to keep my cool, I returned to the ballet studio over and over in between running through the town listening to everything I could, trying to hear James.

Jasper and Emmett patrolled every inch of the town with me and Alice stayed in the hotel room trying to focus to see if she could get a clear picture of where to look. Alice said she was sure he had not left town she saw him with Bella in dark room but it was so dark she could not see anything to help us figure out where.

I spent all my time trying to find a trace of anything that might help me find her. When I was first in the ballet studio I found a video playing of Bella when she was a child with her mother, I knew now how he got her to come here alone. Bella would do anything to protect her family even if it meant giving herself to a monster.

I returned to the Ballet studio whenever I thought I was going to lose control, I could smell her in here, her hair, her breath still lingered in the air, her blood still fresh on the floor It was the third time I had been her over the last three days since she had been taken from me.

I never seen it before but over in a dark corner under a small table I saw a video camera, I walked over to it. I fell to the ground and picked it up, not knowing if I could turn it on in case I would be watching her death unfold in front of my very eyes, I didn't want to see her pain & her screams. Alice swore she was alive but how could I believe her now, her visions seemed so weak to me now.

I flipped open the camera screen and pressed play.

There she was, my innocent Angel. Blood covered the right side of her face. As I watched, my hands squeezed into fists. I could hear James screaming at her, demanding she beg him to stop the pain, that she tell me to avenge her, while he kicked her and pushed her back into the ground when she would try to get up, I would kill him for ever laying a hand on her, I would make it slow. The last thing I saw on the camera was her saying my name and then the screen went black my hands crushed the camera into nothing but dust.

I got up and ran. I spent the night running on foot through the town I had seen almost every street, every alley. I thought I had been everywhere.

It felt like I was losing the biggest race of my life, like I was losing her. I was lucky that I didn't need to breathe, because I couldn't, not without her. I lost my heart and my soul when I lost Bella. All I could think about was her frightened face on the video camera and I knew she was depending on me to save her…and I was failing, I was failing her.

I was so close to breaking down; I had to stay strong for her. Something was wrong I realised while I was running down a dark street. My body lost all feeling; I couldn't feel my legs, nothing. My body fell to the ground, I laid there trying to pull myself together and then I looked over and saw…Bella.

I knew I had truly gone mad now. She opened her mouth and I heard her weak voice for the first time in days

"You're here" I looked into her eyes and saw the pain in them, the hurt.

It was her…It had to be, my mind could never make up an image of her that looked so scared and alone, her face covered in blood and bruises. I never felt so much rage there were so many things I wanted to say to her.

"I am going to find you Bella…I promise"

I had to promise, she needed to know that she was all I would think about, all I would search for. She was alive, I knew it now. I knew it for sure.

She looked at me as if she could barely talk, as if the pain she was feeling was consuming her,

"I love you" the words broke out of her mouth as tears fell softly from her eyes.

I could have screamed and punched the road until the earth collapsed beneath me but if she was really here, really talking to me I needed her to know, I reached out and wiped a tear softly from her broken face, I could feel her there

"I love you too Bella…I will save you." I lay there for moment and my phone began to vibrate in my pocket and as soon as I noticed it she was gone.

I rolled on to my back and answered the phone to Jasper.

"Edward, we picked up his scent"

"What…Where…When" I jumped to my feet.

"Just now. Near the old factories just outside of town. He's here now but we don't know where. He knows we are here, he has been trying to cover his scent"

I hung up and ran to my car. The sun would be up soon I didn't have long. I raced through the red lights, moving through traffic as fast as my car would move.

I got there it only took me minutes but it felt like hours had passed. I got to the old industrial estate and stopped. I had to focus. I could hear Emmett and Jasper they were hunting for him close by. Then I heard shrieks of pain and hurt screaming out my name

"Edward! Edward! help me Edward!" I could see her through James's eyes.

I couldn't worry about being caught in the sunlight and I was sure no one else was around to catch me. So I leaped from the car and ran in the direction of his thoughts. The more he hurt her the faster I ran, the more rage I felt. While worrying if I would make it in time, knowing he was putting her in pain right this second I realised for the first time in decades I had truly lost control.

I took me only seconds to find the right building, I saw the heavy steel door, I ran at it with all I had pushing it into the ground, I could see now why Alice could not get a clear picture, it was pitch black. I could see James running at me, I did not stop.

I felt the full force of my rage as I collided with him, I could smell her all over him, and I could not help but let the animal like growl push through my teeth.

That is what I turned into, an animal, I felt myself slip away as we fought. He began yelling at me

"You're too late Edward"

I knew I wasn't I could hear her heart beating; hear her panting trying to catch her breath.

He looked me in the eyes and said his last words "She is mine…my thing now."

I let the animalistic growls continue to erupt from me and began biting in to his neck as he screamed trying to cover the missing portion of his neck, I ripped his arm off and let the words scrape through my teeth

"She was never yours…I will kill you for this. Kill you for ever looking at her"

Before he could answer and before I could finish tearing him apart Jasper and Emmett raced through the door pulling him out of my hands as I tore his head clean off. Jasper continued to rip him to shreds while I tried to do the same.

Emmett took my shoulders trying to get me to calm down. "Bella, Edward… you have to go to Bella"

As soon as I heard him speak her name I snapped back into myself realising she was here scared and in pain. Then I saw the door at the far end of the factory. Locked and chained up as if she where some kind of animal that might escape. As I finally let a breath pass through my lips and I realised I had gotten to my Bella.

Gotten to my only reason to exist on this earth.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Broken

Bella's POV

I heard someone approach the door to my cell.

Who was it, was it Edward? Maybe it was James; maybe he had won the fight.

A new rush of terror washed over me. I heard the chains break and the door began to crack from the hinges. Instinctively I moved as fast as I could up against the hard brick wall, pulling my knees close to my body and covering my face with my hands.

The door was gone I heard it break and heard slow footsteps moving towards me. Even if I had not been covering my face I would still not have been able to see anything as I had let the tears fall freely from my eyes. All I could do was once again beg.

"Please don't. Please, please, please" and then I felt the figure fall to his knees next to me and he gently took my hands in his and slowly pulled them from my face, I did not fight I knew by now there was no point, I just kept my eyes closed and continued to beg the way I knew James loved.

"Please don't hurt…" before I could finish he spoke and I could not breathe, I could not even feel my heart beating anymore.

"Bella…love. It's me"

I froze, was this happening? Was I safe?

"Open your eyes Bella, I'm here" I opened my eyes to see his beautiful face. All I could do was let a gasp fall from my mouth. He looked at my face and I saw a wave of emotions over his, anger, rage, pain and in that I also saw his relief, as I felt mine.

"Bella, I'm going to get you out of here, you're safe"

I still couldn't talk. His eyes started to trace over me back and forth, He took of his coat and wrapped it around me, I had forgotten about the rips in my clothes. I wrapped my arms around his neck and continued to do the only thing I could – cry into his chest and hold onto him as tight as I could. He slowly picked me up and took me out of the room.

Only now that I had gotten out of my cage did I feel truly safe. Emmett ran over to us as Jasper started the fire to burn James' body parts. Emmett looked at me in shock, I must look pretty bad.

"Jasper and I left our car right outside; take it. I will call Alice and the rest let them know she is safe."

They both looked at each other in absolute horror and without words Edward walked away with me in his arms.

It felt like the car wasn't moving, though I was sure it was I looked over at Edward, He was already looking at me. "Are you ok? Do you need anything my love?"

I just shook my head; words just didn't seem to want to come from my mouth. He reached out and touched my face

"Bella…It's all going to be ok, I'm going to take you to a hospital and…" That was all I heard as I felt myself frantically shaking and then my mouth started to work as I tried desperately to open the locked doors to the moving car.

"No No stop. Let me out" I screamed

Edward stopped the car immediately and reached over to me trying to look me in the eyes to understand what he said wrong. "What Bella? What did I say? What's wrong?"

"No hospital" I screamed "Please Edward no… Just take me home, Carlisle can fix me, please"

"Bella… I don't know"

"Promise me Edward…You have to"

He looked forward for a moment and then turned back to me and put his hand softly on the side of my face and looked deeply into my eyes "Ok Bella, I'll take you home to Carlisle. I'll do anything for you." He took a deep breath "I love you Bella"

I could have cried again but I wanted to stop the tears now in fear they would never stop, I looked at his face and told him what I had thought I would never get the chance to say again

"I love you too Edward. Always"

I relaxed back into my seat and looked out the window for a second, then I realised we weren't moving. I looked at his face, He looked as if he had a million things to say but couldn't say a word, if it was possible he would be crying right now, He knew there was something else wrong but he knew this wasn't the time, he took my hand, nodded and started the car.

I must have blacked out in the car, I woke to the feeling of my weight shift and I opened my eyes and looked up realising I was in Edwards arms still wrapped in his coat, he carried me up to the front door not making eye contact with me, he looked straight ahead I glanced over to see what he was looking at. It was Carlisle; he stood just in front of us holding the door open for Edward to walk through.

He looked at me "Take her up to your room, I have set everything up in there" they looked into each other's eyes for a long moment the way he and Emmett had looked at each other in the factory no more than an hour ago. It frightened me.

Edward laid me on the bed, it seemed so out of place in his room next to it was a high table with Carlisle's medical stuff on it.

Carlisle came right in and stood over me "Bella do you know where you are"

I could only whisper, I tried to keep my voice even but it shook on every word "I'm home"

"Yes, you are and you know who I am"

I nodded "Yes you're Carlisle"

He put his hand out slowly to touch mine. Without thinking I pulled my body away from him almost jumping from the bed.

Edward put his body behind me putting his arm around me, I felt stupid almost instantly, but my heart continued to pound in my chest.

Carlisle pulled his body back and put his hands in the air. "I'm sorry Bella I didn't mean to frighten you"

I relaxed and looked at his confused expression "No, I'm sorry I just…"

I couldn't finish my sentence, I felt sick and I didn't know why, it was Carlisle he would never hurt me.

"It's my fault Bella really. I'm sorry. Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, we need to make sure you're ok."

I didn't want to go the hospital "No please can you" Carlisle stepped forward again nodding he could hear the distress in my voice.

"Edward would you go and get Esme to come clean Bella up when I'm done"

Edward nodded and went to stand up; I grabbed his hand as tight as I could. I didn't want him to leave, not ever. He looked at me with his sad eyes and put his head to mine, I was breathing so hard it hurt "Bella, love. I will be right back, I promise. We are just going to get you better again ok"

"Right back" was all I could manage

"Right back" he promised.

Carlisle straight away gave me something for the pain. He checked me over, bruised ribs maybe one broken, small fracture on one of my hips and in my left wrist, cuts everywhere, on my legs, my arms, neck, head, so stitches everywhere, I had small burns on me everywhere, the list went on and on, and I could not tell Carlisle how any of it happened, not because I didn't want to, but because I could not remember and that made me feel horrible…violated.

Esme and Edward walked back in and Carlisle said he was almost done and he could finish the rest of the check up later. Carlisle left as Edward walked in.

In his hands Edward had a large bowl filled with water, and Esme had clean clothes and towels.

Esme began wiping the fresh and dry blood from my face, the water stung as it hit the cuts and sore spots. Edward was getting ready to leave but as he went to leave I couldn't help but tense up and reached for him without thinking. He stopped across the room and looked at me Esme looked up at him too.

"Maybe you should stay for awhile Edward." Edward looked and nodded at Esme. He walked back over to me placing his hand on my foot.

Esme finished cleaning my face, she was so gentle. I didn't want to say anything because I did not want to hurt her feelings, but I wished it was just me and Edward in here. I didn't want anyone touching me. It was strange. I loved Esme but I did not feel like myself, something was wrong, messed up. Edwards hand was still on my foot and I watched his face as he stared at my feet and began to run his fingers softly up my leg to just below my knee.

Something happened to him, he suddenly had a look of complete terror in his face, his eyes raced all over my body and eventually met my gaze. Without breaking eye contact he spoke to Esme who had almost finished cleaning my arms.

"Esme, can you leave us alone" Her head snapped up. She looked like she wanted to say something but after seeing the seriousness in his face; she looked at me and half smiled and walked out of the room closing the door as she left.

The room became very quiet and Edward did not move or show any sign that he would soon. He looked like a volcano trying to stop himself from erupting. He was so angry I have never seen him with this expression on his face even the way he stood; it looked so hard and cold, his fingers on my leg where still touching me softly, and I wondered if I had done something wrong.

Edward's POV

I moved closer to the door. As my hand touched it I could hear her in there crying, her heart was beating so hard, I was worried it would push its way right through her chest. She breathed heavily I knew she was frightened and that brought on a new kind of hysteria.

I reached out for the chains and squeezed them in my hand until they were nothing but shards on the floor.

For a second I prepared to kick the door in or just run through it but I was worried I would hurt Bella more than she already was, so I took the sides of the door and began to pull the steel until I felt it snap in my hands.

I took a step into the dark and damp room, I could smell her blood it was everywhere, and for the first time since I had met Bella her blood did not smell like food. It made me sick to my very core, because there was so much of it and to think she had been hurt made my body twist and my heart that had not beat in nearly 100 years began to ache for her.

A whole second had passed since I walked into the prison and then I looked over against the wall and saw her curled into a ball, using her small arms as a shield.

I started to walk slowly to her so I didn't frighten her but I did no good she began to scream.

"Please don't. Please, Please, Please" The sound of her voice tore through me like a knife.

I felt my knees falter beneath me, and I dropped next to her and put my hands on her bruised skin trying to gently move her hands from her face, she put up no fight she simple let them drop and kept her eyes closed.

I couldn't speak, I could barely move, I could see her face clearly, see what he had done to her and my body began to shake uncontrollably, How could this happen to her? I should have kept her safe. She is mine and I let him just rip her from me, almost from my life. I should never have let her go with Alice and Jasper…

There were so many mistakes I had made, ones that Bella, my love, paid for. I would never forgive myself for this; I will never be able to wipe this image from my mind, the image of the only one in the world I love with all I have, on the floor like this…broken.

I opened my mouth to tell her she was safe but before I could she screamed.

"Please don't hurt…"

I couldn't handle it; I stopped her. "Bella. Love. It's me."

Her eyes were still shut but I watched her body shift slightly as she began to calm herself. I was worried she was in shock I moved closer to her and whispered "Open your eyes Bella, I'm here."

She slowly opened her eyes and as I looked I saw all the hurt and pain burning in them she was lost, finally she let a breath leave her mouth and so did I.

I had to get her out of here but I was not sure if she would want me to touch her yet, I had to tell her.

"Bella, I'm going to get you out of here, you're safe" I couldn't stop myself from looking at the destruction James had caused her fragile body, her clothes were torn in places I took off my coat and put it around her.

I looked at her eyes once I had my coat on her and she began to cry almost screaming she reached out and I leaned into her, she wrapped her arms around my neck, I could feel her straining to squeeze me and I could see she had no strength left at all.

I could not stand it anymore I had to get her out of here, it was making me crazy to think of her in here alone, waiting for me to save her while James did what he pleased to her as if she were some kind of toy for him to play with.

I slid my hands around her and picked her up and moved from the room as fast and carefully as I could and only now with her in my arms did I feel like I had her back…safe and alive, close to me.

Emmett ran over as soon as we got close to where he and Jasper were starting the fire.

He took one look at her and his thoughts became one of a big brother whose baby sister had been harmed. He said he would make phone calls to let everyone know she was ok but these words fell out of his mouth because he did not any what else to say. Jasper kept his distance as I was sure he would have to I was surprised he could handle it; the blood was everywhere, but I knew he was worried about Bella and probably made his thirst easier to control.

I put her in the car as softly as possible. I got in and began to speed off, I could not stop looking at her, she had not said yet if she was in pain or not and I was worried she needed something.

She looked over and caught me staring "Are you ok? Do you need anything my love" she just shook her head that made me worry even more.

I needed to reassure her that I would take care of her now, I looked at her as she turned her face to the window she looked so alone I couldn't bare it, I reached out and touched her bruised face "Bella…It's all going to be ok, I'm going to take you to a hospital and they're going to help you. I won't leave you" she seemed to jolt when I mentioned the hospital; I wasn't sure what was wrong, what I had said.

She became crazed trying to open the door to the car to escape and for the first time in days I heard her voice "No No stop. Let me out" I stopped the car straight away, I had upset her, but why?

"What Bella…what did I say…What's wrong"

"No hospital" she pleaded "Please Edward no…Just take me home, Carlisle can fix me, please"

"Bella… I don't know" I took a second to think about this, It did not seem like a good idea but I had to do what I could to make her feel safe.

"Promise me Edward…You have to"

How could I deny her anything she wanted now, of course I'd do as she asked.

"Ok Bella, I'll take you home to Carlisle. I'll do anything for you." I took a breath as I looked at her and the words flew out of my mouth with no control.

"I love you Bella"

I had to make sure she knew that this heart is and always had been hers, long before she was born it was hers.

She gazed into my eyes and whispered "I love you too Edward. Always"

To hear her say it, when I thought I would never see her again ran into my chest like a bullet, I watched her fall back into her seat and I stared at her wondering for a moment what would have happened if I had lost her, how the world would become dark and empty and as looked at her wanting nothing more than to hold her close to me again, I saw something in her face I did not see until now, There was something she was not telling me.

I would not ask now, I didn't want to push her any further than she had already been pushed. she looked back at me again her eyes were so tired and I wanted her to rest and leave whatever worries she had, until I had her home and resting. I took her hand in mine and started to drive.

Minutes later Bella passed out, I was worried she was in a great deal of pain, I had to hurry back home. Now, more than ever I wished I could see into her head. I needed to know what I could do to help her; I wanted to know what he had done to her, my love, my angel, my Bella.

I could see that she was not just physically but emotionally exhausted, beaten within an inch of her life, killed her strength and maybe towards the end maybe even killed any hope she had of being saved, hope of ever seeing the sunlight again.

It took almost 30 minutes to get her home, I had passed a hospital 5 minutes ago and almost stopped but I did not want to upset her, I had no idea what she had been through, I needed her to trust me again to know I would do anything, I would give her everything she needed.

When I pulled up at the house Carlisle stood outside the front door waiting for our arrival, I dashed to her door and opened it, looking down at her like this, seeing her skin; I could once again feel myself losing it. I had to stay in control for her.

I reached down and picked her up and began to walk into the house. I stopped looking at her as I walked, even when I realised she had woken. As I had gotten closer to Carlisle his mind began to overflow with thoughts, about her treatment mostly but louder than that was anger that this small innocent girl he held close to his heart had been harmed in a way unimaginable to him. He looked into my eyes and even though I knew where to take her he said it out loud, maybe for Bella's benefit.

Every step up the stairs made me feel almost faint, it seemed like every second since I took her out of the dark cell hit me harder and harder, making this more and more real.

I placed her on the bed Carlisle must have put in here. Her eyes were wide open, as if she was looking for any signs of danger, even here where she was safe with me and my family.

Carlisle came in and began to ask her questions to see if she knew where she was. He looked her over and took a small step towards her seeing the fear in her eyes wanted to comfort her as I did, he put his hand out to touch hers and in a second before he could, She jumped back flexing her body preparing to run, I put my body behind hers as she pushed her back into my chest I put my arm around her as my instincts took over and shielded her with my arms. She looked at Carlisle and the expression on his face.

He instantly apologised stepping back and she relaxed her body and told him she was sorry, they continued to talk and I could not say a word, my mind raced now with horrible thoughts of what had happened to her to make her so on edge, so shaky. He had gotten in to her head, invaded her soul, and I knew now she was still his prisoner. Carlisle told me to get Esme to help Bella but I knew Esme could hear him, I heard Carlisle think that this would be better done with privacy.

Bella grabbed my hand as I went to leave and I could see she was frightened for me to leave, I worried she thought I might not come back, where else would I go, The only way I would leave her now would be if I had another chance to rip James's head off, to kill him again

"Bella, love. I will be right back, I promise. We are just going to get you better again ok"

"Right back" she whispered.

I promised her again and I hoped she knew I wasn't lying and if there was some way to physically connect myself to her so we could never be separated again I would do it right now, because leaving her even for a minute felt wrong to me and I could see in her face it was wrong to her too.

I stood outside the door, I watched as Esme got her clean clothes from Alice's room and fresh towels from the bathroom.

"Edward, come here", she passed me a large bowl with hot water in it and half smiled at me.

Esme and I never spoke much when I was angry or upset, she knew I was like her and liked to be calm before I talked about things out loud and I think she knew I was far from calm. I could hear all the list of injuries Bella had and my body began to shake, Esme put her had to my face and I tried to breathe to try to calm myself.

"She is strong Edward"

I looked at her and all I could think about was Bella, what was happening in the next room and I knew what Esme was trying to say.

"I know she's strong, I know just how strong she is and that's why the look in her eyes scares the hell out of me."

We started to walk into the room and I met Bella's eyes and stared at her trying to see if I could find a answer in her face.

I put the water down beside her and Carlisle left Esme to start cleaning her blood of her body, I wanted her to have some privacy even though the thought of walking out the door again made me shake again, but I forced myself to start walking across the room, Bella's body stiffened and her small bloodstained hand reached out for me and I stopped automatically looking at her hand shake in sync with my own.

"Maybe you should stay for awhile Edward"

I nodded and walked over to her feet to stay out of Esme's way while she continued. I reached out and placed my fingers on her ankle, still amazed that I could reach out and touch her; amazed I had her safe in my room. Her body was covered in stitches now, her hand in a brace; in fact her whole body looked as it was being held together by bandages.

She was uncomfortable and I didn't know why. I looked at the position of her body and how it lay and I saw the small burns and cuts on her exposed legs, I was wondering if she was cold and I wanted to cover her up but before I could I saw the bruises on her thigh.

To anyone else in the world they would have just matched the rest of her body, they would have been camouflaged and in my head I matched them to the bruises I saw on her hips and the ones on her wrists.

If my heart was still working it would have stopped and broke in that second, if I could cry right now, the tears would never stop, If there were some way I could make a deal with god to take this away I would give him anything, I would sentence myself to hell right now to make this not true.

But the look in her eyes the way her body moved, Everything I had noticed since I found her, the words James said, his last thoughts all pointed to it and I looked deep in to her brown eyes and it was suddenly so clear and I could not believe I had not realised it before.

"Esme, can you leave us alone." She left without asking why, though I could hear her thoughts wondering what had happened in the seconds since we had walked in. she left and closed the door and I could not hold myself together the way I had been practicing for years, I could not take the expression of my face and I didn't know how to anymore.

She was scared and I could not heal this, not when I caused it. There were no amount of apologies to make up for this.

She really was strong and I could see that more clearly too, she was a survivor, my Bella; my poor innocent soul had been stripped of herself and beaten down, used up and left alone in the dark to cope with it.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – You can't hide from the truth

Bella's POV

I wasn't sure at this point what was going on. I couldn't be sure if this was really happening.

From the expression on his face it had to be real because I had never seen this look in his eyes, it was a look my imagination could not possible come up with on its own. His body seemed to shake as if he wanted to tear the house down around us.

I felt frozen and the words didn't want to come out my mouth. But I looked at him and his eyes continued to trace all over my body as they did before and I knew in that moment, that he knew what had happened. This made me nervous and anxious and I didn't want to be the one to bring it up just in case I was misreading his face.

I would be quite happy to go on pretending that it didn't happen, that it was just a painful nightmare that I woke up from with the injuries still in place.

I could barely let a breath pass my lips, and neither could he. I wanted him to say something…but nothing. I waited what felt like forever and while I did a hundred thoughts passed through my mind, horrible things…things that would keep me awake wondering for the rest of my life if he did not put my mind at ease.

I knew he was angry and I think I know what about, but was he mad at me too?. Maybe he was thinking what I was, that I was ruined…shattered like glass, something he could never put back together.

I realised these thoughts I was having where not my own they where things James had said to me; that I would not be wanted, that I was his now, until death.

As these thoughts flooded my mind I felt the tears start to fall and my hands started to tremble as I went to wipe them. Before I could even lift my hand he was at my side, slowly moving his hand closer to my cheek wiping them so gently I could barely feel anything. He leaned down his face in line with mine.

"I love you Bella"

_He knew._

I was so ashamed, so frightened of what was going to happen.

"You know don't you" the words came out with rage that I did not want.

"I know he hurt you love" his voice was like silk, even when he was so full of rage.

I turned my face, I couldn't look at him. "I don't want this to be real Edward"

"I know…and I wish more than anything I could take it all away…everything he did to you"

"I feel so sick with myself…I couldn't stop him Edward, I tried to…"

"Bella" he took my face in his hands "You couldn't have stopped him, what he did…" A low growl burst from Edwards chest and one of his hands slipped from my face to my hand. It was real now all of it happened and I couldn't run from it and nether could he.

"I'm so sorry Bella…that I didn't get there in time to save you"

"You saved my life"

"I…I didn't get there in time to save…you, what he did to you Bella, I failed you"

He was wrong and I couldn't let him blame himself, without him I would surely be long dead by now, James told me he was done with me, I knew what was going to happen, and I should never have gone there alone, I shouldn't have ran off.

"It's not your fault…its mine"

He looked almost angry again "Never think that Bella, you did nothing wrong, I was meant to protect you and I didn't…"

I cut him off almost yelling at him without meaning to, but I was so angry at myself "I left Alice, you told me to stay with her, not to leave Alice's side, you…"

Before I could say another word he stopped me "Bella…I should never have left your side. Never"

His hands were still on my face his head dropped and I could see he was trying to calm himself but I could not. All I could think of was James and the hate in me began to boil and it had nowhere to go. I squeezed his hand with mine and words began to flow.

"I'm not mad at you Edward. I'm mad at _him._"

He didn't look at me, his eyes were still closed. "I know I am too" he spoke through his teeth.

I needed to know that what James had told me wasn't true…that they were just seeds of lies he wanted to plant deep in my core, just a part of the game he wanted to play.

"Edward" I had to whisper now my voice was not nearly strong enough to say what I was thinking my hand was now gripping his as hard as I could, so hard it began to hurt. He opened his eyes to look at my hand wrapped into his.

"Bella…"

I couldn't stop now; I had to push the words out past the sobs that were now uncontrollable.

"He told me" I said speaking before he could finish. Edwards forehead was creased and his teeth still clenched.

"He told me you wouldn't want me…that I was his" the last word scratched out of my throat, his face was horrified, his head shook and he put both his hands on my shoulders, I could barely see him through the tears filling my eyes.

"You listen to ME Bella. You do not belong to him, you NEVER belonged to him…and I, whether I deserve you or not… I will want you for the rest of my life. You're everything to me Bella"

"He got in my head...I'm not me anymore"

His words came out like fierce growls. "Bella… you're still you"

"I feel like I'm still in the…dark" I choked out the last word.

"I promise you Bella I will get you out. I will never leave you ever again, I'll look after you, I promise."

How could he want me like this? How could anyone? I looked into his eyes as I melted down

"I was meant to be yours…only yours" his arm wrapped around my neck pulling my face to his chest his other hand tangled in my hair.

"You are mine Bella, nothing can change that. Nothing he did wrecked you Bella, you're mine"

The words brought pain as well as relief, if I still had him I could survive this, he would get me out of the dark, but right now I was in there, but this time I was not alone. I continued to cry into his chest for what felt like hours, until the painkillers took over and I was in a deep sleep that took me back to cell and I was afraid that I would never wake from this.

Edwards POV

It took all my energy to not start tearing the room apart.

I thought about leaving right now to start tracking down Victoria, I wanted to kill someone…anyone.

I couldn't help but look at her body over and over. How could I stop?

If I did stop it would mean I had to look into her eyes and I was afraid to see them right now, afraid she would see mine. The anger in me was breaking through my skin. The years I'd spent pretending to be human, learning to control my emotions and here I was seconds from tossing it all in and turning into the monster I am.

At that moment I heard her breath become uneasy and I looked to see her shaky hand twitch to rise so she could wipe the single tear that had fallen from her eye. I dashed to her side before she could. As soon as my fingers touched her face I felt my self control return and I was hers again, and not the Darkness inside of me.

"I love you Bella"

Her face became slightly twisted as her cheeks were burning. She looked for a second and her eyes darted away "You know don't you" her voice came out with all the anger in her eyes and she had every right to be angry, I wouldn't blame her right now if she wanted to get up and tear the room apart and smash everything in sight, in fact I would probably just help her. Because I did know.

"I know he hurt you love" I tried to keep my voice as even as possible and her face snapped away so she wasn't looking at me anymore.

"I don't want this to be real Edward"

"I know…and I wish more than anything I could take it all away…everything he did to you"

"I feel so sick with myself…I couldn't stop him Edward…I tried to…"

I felt so much guilt right now, and not just for not being there to save her but for not giving her a chance to save herself. If I had turned her when I met her this would never have happened, and he would never have had any reason to come near her and even if he did she would have been able to fight him off, the strength to kill him herself.

"You couldn't have stopped him, what he did…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I looked into her eyes and saw the tears, I saw the aching in them and it was me that put those tears there. I never once thought I would wish that I had never met Isabella Swan, but this was it. Because if I had never met her, her tears would not exist right now, the memory of James would never haunt her as it did now. I would rather have walked the world forever alone then to see the only thing in this world I love be crushed like this; burnt in such a way that she would forever be scarred from him.

But I did meet her and I did love her and this was real this was happening and there was no way to melt this away. No amount of my love could erase her memory of the hell she now lived in.

"I'm so sorry Bella … that I didn't get there in time to save you"

"You saved my life"

How, after all that has happened to her could she still want to make me feel better, it made me sick in a way, the way she loved me unconditionally, when I did not earn it. When she owed me nothing and I owed her everything I had and so much more.

"I… I didn't get there in time to save… you, what he did to you Bella, I failed you" the words seem to fall through my teeth with ease because of the strong truth behind them.

"It's not your fault…its mine"

I couldn't believe how she could ever let that thought pass through her mind let alone let those words pass her lips and a new wave of panic passed over me.

"Never think that Bella, you did nothing wrong, I was meant to protect you and I didn't…" Before I could finish Bella's heart raced and her voice let loose.

"I left Alice, you told me to stay with her, not to leave Alice's side, you…" She was almost screaming, but not at me; at herself.

I couldn't let her continue "Bella…I should never have left your side. Never"

I could not steady my breathing it was impossible, I could barely sit still, the want for some kind of revenge washed over me again, even with James dead, it was not enough, not even close…

I would have to stop these thoughts they were not helping her and if I continued like this I would have to leave her soon until I had calmed down and leaving Bella again was not an option, I focused on her heart and listened to the beats hoping they would steady me.

"I'm not mad at you Edward" I knew she wasn't mad at me she didn't have the same outlook as me, her soul never looked at the world the way it should, to see all the hate in it, all the evil. "I'm mad at _him_" the words cut through me.

"I know I am too" was all I could manage, if I began to speak about the rage inside of me it would take over again.

"Edward" there was more pain in her voice now and it startled me that she sounded so frightened, as if he were outside the door. I wanted to reassure her I was there and I love her but as I started to speak she cut me off. "He told me."

I knew how sadistic James was, how cruel, in the time I had been around him I saw in his mind and it was evil and harsh. He would say anything to make her lose hope, to give up on her life, to surrender everything she had until she had nothing left inside and was just a hollow girl, all alone with nothing to do but pray for death.

"He told me you wouldn't want me…that I was his"

The horror of her words, hit me like a train. All I could do was shake my head, she could not possibly believe this, could he have pushed her to such a limit that she would believe this? As I looked in her eyes I could see the answer.

"You listen to me Bella" I said grabbing her shoulders gently in my hands "You listen to me Bella. You do not belong to him, you NEVER belonged to him…and I, whether I deserve you or not… I will want you for the rest of my life. You're everything to me Bella"

"He got in my head...I'm not me anymore"

He had gotten in her head; but she was still my girl, my all. Nothing he could do could change that.

"Bella… you're still you"

"I feel like I'm still in the…dark"

I heard it in her voice, she was still in the room and the grief overwhelmed me and it burned in my stomach. I would spend forever trying to get her out and this time I would not fail her "I promise you Bella I will get you out. I will never leave you ever again, I will look after you, I promise"

"I was meant to be yours…only yours"

I pulled her into my chest and held her as close as I could without hurting her or crushing her into me. I wanted to squeeze her as tight as I could to show her, I wanted to tell her over and over I loved her that she was still everything I have been waiting for, everything I have been looking for.

"You are mine Bella, nothing can change that. Nothing he did wrecked you Bella, you're mine"

I could feel her tears hitting my chest and they felt like bullets. He had made her think that I would not want her anymore; that I did not exist only for her. I had never really believed in soul mates but my heart remembered Bella. The moment I met her everything in my world revolved around her from that second and every second that led to this one. I felt her body close to mine begin to relax as she cried herself to sleep in my arms.

My mind was on overdrive while I lay on the bed with Bella in my arms, thinking about her, James, the hundred things I could have done to find her faster; even if it was only seconds.

I listened to the thoughts of everyone in the house; Alice had arrived home not long ago and was very upset that her visions were so unclear, that she let Bella run off without noticing. Everyone in the house seems to be blaming themselves. It seemed now that my world was on fire and it was more than I could handle.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4 – Why I Am What I Am

Edward POV

Every now and then I would feel Bella's heart start to race and before I could make the decision to wake her or not, it would slow again in an instant.

Bella had never been a quiet sleeper, she had a very overactive mind from what I could tell, and this mind seemed to make her dreams very vivid and the looks I had seen on her face had often made my stomach turn.

But now, after all she had been through, she was very still and her face seemed blank and emotionless. I could only hope that the painkillers she was on had given her a peaceful sleep. I would hate to wake her now from any peace she could get. Her whole body seemed to be relaxed except for the occasional racing heart and her small hand that continued to squeeze my shirt in her tight fist as it did when she was awake, hanging on to me.

I could not help but let my own mind wander. I could see how in one single moment your whole life could turn upside down. I lay there for a minute staring straight at the ground and imagined how very different this all could be, how her body could be lifeless and cold instead of holding her in my arms alive and warm.

This thought seem to force me to move my hand up from down by my side, it was shaking and my life still crashing before my eyes, I turned the palm of my hand up to face the skies to touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh. I placed my hand on my chest next to hers clutching my shirt and while she still lay in a deep sleep, she brought her hand up to where my hand rested and wrapped her fingers around mine with the softness she's blessed with.

As I laid there thinking that she must be in a deep sleep that not even a nightmare could creep into, I felt her heart race and the beats thud into my chest her hand on mine tightened with all her strength and before I could move my hands to wake her she let a pained scream rip from her chest.

"EDWARD … HELP …EDWARD"

I braced her shoulders and shook her, "Bella WAKE UP!" But she didn't.

"EDWARD…PLEASE"

I put my hands on her face as she grabbed hold of my shirt pulling me towards her, when my cold skin touched her face her head snapped up in shock her eyes full of tears and she instantly pulled her body away from mine shielding her face with her hands once again as she did when I found her in the old factory.

The fear that seemed to surround her like a dark haze made my entire body tense in a second and I felt horrible that I had not woken her hours ago, what she must have been dreaming was written on her face.

A whole second had passed since she woke and I put my hand gently on her face and the other on the back of her head knotting in her hair

"Bella, you're safe, it's me."

Her hands lowered slowly as if she was afraid of who she would see, I looked at her, she stared straight back at me, but her eyes glazed over like she was looking straight through me, then her eyes quickly closed for what seemed an eternity when they opened up she was looking down at her feet, she raised her gaze back up to meet mine after a quiet minute, her eyes full of tears and her face soaked in them.

She looked exhausted still, she looked from side to side franticly, her breathing was fast and hard like when she slept and her heart raced again, it felt like she was running a hundred miles a second but she was still sitting still against me, her hands clutched my shirt again.

Something happened that I did not see…as if she had realized something, her eyes still moving everywhere searching her mind, I couldn't take it anymore.

"What is it Bella? It was just a dream Bella, you're safe" She shook her head frantically her tears overflowing and spilling everywhere as her eyes finally stopped at my words and looked into mine, she was horrified.

"I remember everything" she shook in sync with my body, now both of us I could see were trying to keep from screaming. I couldn't imagine things could get worse; but they could.

"What do you remember?" I asked trying to keep my voice soft.

"Bad things…every bad thing"

I slowly pulled her to my chest again holding her. "I'll look after you Bella"

"I remember you saved me Edward" she whispered in to my chest. I flinched at the memory of her on the floor covered in blood. "I remember all the things he said about you, all the times he hurt me again and again."

I let a shaky breath pass my lips; it came out fast and hard. She raised her head and looked at me she seemed almost calm now.

"Edward what are you thinking?" I didn't want to tell her, but the truth was all I could think of. "Tell me" she whispered.

"I wish that I could cry. Fall upon my knees, find a way to lie to you, to make this all just fade away." She looked into my eyes and tears slowly fell from her eyes again, "I'm so sorry Bella, I shouldn't have said anything, don't worry about me…ok. You're the only one that matters right now."

She shook her head with a hint of a sad smile on her face

"No. We both matter, you're still mine right? Because if you are, you matter, you matter to me"

"Always Bella, I have never been anyone else's. Everything I have is yours. I know now more than ever that the reason I am…what I am, is because I had to live long enough to wait till you where on this earth, so we could find each other. You and I were always meant to be. I could never deserve you especially now after failing you the way I have."

She shook her head slowly her eyes locked on mine before she could stop to let me off the hook again I had to tell her one more thing.

"You will always deserve more than what I am Bella, always. Nothing I could ever do could change that, but I won't stop trying to be the…man you deserve, even if you woke tomorrow and wanted a different life…a life without me I would still keep trying to be better than what I am; for you. Because nothing could tear you from me. The print you have left on me is permanent, if my heart could beat Bella it would have failed on me because nothing could hold this kind of love, nothing would be strong enough"

Even though the tears fell from her eyes still her body was calm, I could only think it was because she was so tired that she was so still.

She lifted her hand and her fingers traced over my cheek "Sometimes your love is so pretty I just want to sink in, and your heart is so loud Edward, I don't need to hear the beat. I know you can see how much this pain hurts…I know you feel it too. And you're right; you are what you are because you were made for me as I was for you. There would have been no point to my life without you. You're the man of my dreams and the love of my life"

Every time I thought I could not love her any more she would say something or look at me in a way that made my love for her swell, I felt like right now she should hear my heart beat, it was wrong that it was motionless while holding so many intense feelings for her, her face was still turned up to mine and I could see her eyelids getting heavier as she fought them to stay open.

"Sleep my Bella" I ran my fingers through her hair and down her neck.

She shook her head slowly as she yawned "I don't want to Edward. I'm scared of what I will see."

Her voice was shaky and frightened again, "I promise I will wake you up, even if you only move an inch. I promise" she looked at me for a long moment and nodded. She looked into my eyes and I stared back into her as she still continued to fight sleep, she lost the battle within minutes and gave in. I wouldn't admit it to her but I was horrified myself of letting her go. The one place I could not protect her from.

She was still in shock, I knew that. The full force of what had happened had not hit her yet it was washing over her in small waves and all I could do is wait with her for the tsunami to come and try to take us both down while I struggle to keep her head above the water.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – Bella

Bella's POV

The screams that should have erupted from my mouth came out without a sound.

I felt as though I had no air in my lungs and the more frightened I got the more my body shook but it felt so still under my hands. When James approached me and raised his hand to strike I closed my eyes and waited for the blow, for a sudden rush of pain that did not come.

I woke to Edward's horrified eyes looking down at my face while I lay with my head on his chest and my fingers clinging to his shirt, clinging too hard. The top three buttons had come off exposing the top of his chest, I pulled myself harder into his chest not letting go of his shirt as if I thought he might slip through my fingers like sand and be gone.

"Bella are you ok?" his voice was shaky and sad "Did you have a bad dream?" He spoke almost too fast and anxious for me to understand.

All I could do was nod, puffing and panting still trying to catch my breath from the fright.

"How long was I asleep for?"

"Not long, maybe two hours."

I still felt exhausted really. But now there was no way I was going back to sleep without a fight, Awake now I could feel the burn in my lungs from breathing too heavily. I could feel my body shake under my hands and the aching all over from where I had been hurt. Edward looked at me searching for words or maybe waiting for mine.

He put his cool hand on my cheek, "Were you having a bad dream the whole time do you think?"

"Yes, as soon as I closed my eyes I saw…"

The words came out in hard breaths as I was still trying to calm down and as soon as I had said them I wished I hadn't. I saw the guilt wash over Edward's face as he slowly shook his head.

"I'm so sorry Bella. You didn't move an inch until a few minutes ago when you whole body jolted and I woke you" He looked so sad I wished I had not said anything, But I could not stop thinking about the dream and what it meant for me. I'd felt a small bit of hope before I slept, not many girls have a vampire boyfriend for things like this; waiting for slightest movement of my body, the sudden acceleration of my heart and the screams to burst from my chest, just waiting and watching for any change so that he could wake me and save me from the darkness, But I just laid there in my sleep, no movement, not a sound. This horrified me more than the dream.

"I'm sorry I couldn't keep the dreams away Bella"

"It's not your fault" I said as I pressed my face into the skin on his chest where I had pulled his shirt undone, I couldn't feel the chill of his skin; it felt warm and safe now. It gave me the homiest feeling. I didn't think I would ever get that feeling again after leaving my mother to come to forks. My mother always said 'home is where the heart is' and now I finally understood that as I lay with my face on Edward's skin.

"You're where my heart is" the words didn't mean to come out; I was in such a deep thought that my mouth simply let them fall without any thought.

Edward's hand slid up my arm and neck and cupped around my face and lifted it slowly to meet his "And my heart is with you my Bella. You'r my home"

My mouth fell open in shock as I looked into his eyes and I let my head shake slowly, jerking from side to side, "Sometimes I think you _can_ read my mind"

"I wish Bella ,your mind is a complete mistery to me " his finger stroked my cheek bone slowly and lightly never breaking contact with my eyes.

"you say what I'm thinking, you know what I mean, even when I am making no sense at all."

He looked at me for a long minute "Maybe we're just connected" He shrugged

"Connected" I repeated in a whisper, I could feel a hint of a smile on my face as I could see a event fainter one on Edward's.

When I moved to Forks to live in my father's old house, It was just because it seemed silly me running around the state after mum and Phil during my senior year of high school when I had a perfectly good house in a nice quiet town where I would be safe and I knew everyone from when I was a child staying here with my father. It made sense. Mum usually let me have my way because she knew I had my head on straight and I was always the responsible one out of the two of us, she made me promise to check in with Billy Black so that I had some kind of adult around to talk to but that didn't last long once I found Edward, and besides what better adult than a hundred year old vampire, how much more life experience could I ask for.

I thought about the word he had used 'connected' I laid gazing into his eyes my hand still not able to loosen the grip on him, the more I thought about the word one thing kept nagging in the back of my mind. It was something I was planning to wait on until things felt a lot less crazy, but now it was all I could think about and I thought even Edward would probably like to hear this, that even when I was without him my mind created him to give me hope and send his love.

Even If meant maybe was a bit mad, that was probably to be expected. I still felt a strong sense of numbness my mind still not letting me think about the details too much, knowing once I started I wouldn't stop.

How could I ever stop crying over this once I really start? How could I move on to a brand new day when I feared sleep so much? I wished I could just hang on to him like this forever and never have to let go. But I knew he would have to eventually leave me alone, Even when he said over and over he would never leave me, how could it be true when his eyes where already so black matching the shadows under them?

I knew he would never let me go hunting with him. He would sooner starve. I felt sick just thinking about him leaving. Im worried he wont go unless I tell him too. Oh my god I hope he doesn't starve.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**SOMETHING SPECIAL IN THIS MESS**

**AUTHORS NOTE:**

It will be Edward POV for the first half of the chapter then Bella's for the last half. (Ill prob just keep doing this)

**Edwards POV**

She looked at me with a hint of a smile on her face ... just a hint of one , enough to make my mind race , wondering what she was thinking. I knew she wanted to tell me something but at the same time I saw that her eye lids were heavy and she was only seconds away from collapsing once more , I watched as she gave in once again ,I don't think she even realised she was falling asleep , how softly she drifted reminded me of a calm before a storm.

I felt so sick when she would fall asleep , It was silly of me to feel the way I did , Like she was being taken from me , Even as she lay in arms safe , it felt like she was miles away

I couldnt take my eyes of her face , the marks that were left there , the cut's , the bruises. Lightly I brushed my fingers over her cheek as I did, she pushed her face into my hand and pressed her body closer to mine , I breathed in deeply , taking in her scent and savouring it , I felt the sudden rush of the burn in my throat. My first instinct took me first and I flinched an inch away from her and then I pulled her in even tighter than before and continued to breath her in , I put my face into her hair and let it take over me, I let my eyes gaze over body and thought about the pain each mark must cause her and I continued to breathe her in letting the pain of the burn in my throat and body consume me , I could not help but hate myself for her broken body , i could not help but blame myself for everything that went wrong and Bella would never blame me...She simply was not built that way , I could never imagine her blaming anyone she loved for anything they had done wrong , even if it was entirely there fault , I kept breathing her in and all I could feel was the pain , I couldnt even pay attention to the thirst , even with her blood fresh on her body , I could not feel hunger just the pain and I enjoyed it because I deserved it , and much much more.

Every noise in the house sounded like background music to Bella's breathing and heart beating , I focused on them more than anything waiting for a signal to wake her. I could hear everyone down stairs but I only started to listen when they started to talk about Bella...Worry about her. Rosalie's attitude had changed about Bella since I brought her home, she had started to voice her concern about bella as did Carlisle and Esme of course , Rosalie wanted her to come and live with us full time , she did not like the Idea of Bella living in her house alone , Even though I had been living there with her since she moved to forks , Rosalie wanted her to be with our whole family , she said with the experience that she had had herself she knew it was better to be around people that loved you , people that would die to keep you out of harms way , to hear Rose think this way made me love my sister more , it showed me how truly compassionate she could be , they all continued to talk , make plans about when I would finally have to hunt , who would stay with her and how they could make the trip as quick as possible I could hear everyone's voices and thoughts but the only voice I could not hear was Emmetts , He sat in front of the tv in silence, pretending to watch a Baseball game that he had no interest in at all, He did not want to be included in the conversation about Bella. I focused on Emmett and listened to his thoughts , I was confused how my brother who always had an opinion about everything and always had some way to lighten the mood sat in silence , But all his thoughts were about his new little sister and how she looked in my arms when I brought her out of the cell I found her in , He thought about the dried blood on her skinny pale legs as the dangled almost lifelessly from my arms and her tiny pained fingers clutching to my shirt in horror, He was consumed by this , I listened to him for hours while Bella slept with her head on my chest her fingers still the same as they were when I found her, holding on to me as tightly as she could, Emmett thought about what he was , this monster , the images in his head of Bella forced him to look at his Hands and squeeze them tightly together making them hurt , crushing bones that only mended in seconds , cracking skin that instantly healed , He was disgusted that he was a Vampire but only because it put him in the same catagory as James and he did not ever want to be connected in any way with such evil.

As It got dark Emmette stoped beating himself up and focused more on the pleasure he got from tearing James to shreds , The screams James let loose from the pain , this gave Emmette satisfaction and me too , it was nice in a dark way to listen to Emette's thoughts as the went thought the destruction of James with such detail. Bella's heart accelerated slightly and I would not take any chances this time "Bella...Bella wake up" I said as I shook her lightly. Her panic came quickly and she began to push me away from her and she screamed like I had never heard her before and she woke in an instant as I put my hands on her face almost yelling her name.

She looked at me with shock and tears overflowing in her eyes , she glanced for an instant at the space she had put between us and she looked around fast for a second like she was looking for danger and before I could tell her she was safe "Edward the light , Can you turn the light on please , please Edward" before she finished the sentence I reached over and switched the lamp next to the bed on she realaxed and looked at me trying to slow her breathing , She shook her head, as if trying to shake bad thoughts from her head and as I looked at her and she at me her cheeks became pink and I wondered why. "Sorry" she said looking down and playing with the buttons on my shirt "I feel so stupid" tears falling like raindrops from her eyes I put my hand slowly to her cheek to wipe them "Don't feel stupid Bella...Its ok" she nodded and shifted her body back into mine and under her breath whispered "I don't like the dark any more Edward" "Im sorry Bella , I wont let it be dark again ok" she spoke into my chest and I could feel her warm breath over my skin "no im sorry" she shook her head slowly keeping her face covered "Im over reacting , the dark just makes me feel lost again. alone , I don't like it" I didn't like her feeling ashamed , she seemed so embarrassed about being scared of the dark and this upset me...ofcourse she would be scared of the dark, I was the one who should feel stupid for not thinking about it when it began to get dark in here. "I love you" she whispered I looked down at her "And I love you my Bella" She looked up at me her eyes wide as she sighed.

**BELLA'S POV:**

The way he said I love you reminded me of what I wanted to tell him before I feel asleep and what better time than now to bring it up , I wanted to bring it up fast...Before he asked me what the dream was about and I had to tell him and its not that I didn't want to get all of this of my chest its just that I still didn't want to talk about this with anyone ... Anything I could do to keep this from hitting me with full force , I would do it..anything to not dive into the details of my hell that now only existed in my head. "If I tell you something...promise not to think im crazy" "I promise Bella" he whispered as he played with my hair , trying to keep his voice even , I wanted to word this right... I didn't want to mess this up "Is this about you dream" he asked when he saw me hesitating , "No" I almost said to fast and loud, his body tensed slightly at the sound of my voice.

"No this is about when I was...lost" my voice broke on the last word , my eyes closed and tightened "When I was alone in the room" I opened my eyes again fast not letting the image of the room linger to long in my mind. Edward looked at my expression and he tried to hold of the anger that I could feel radiating from him "promise not to get upset" he looked at me for a long minute and shook his head slowly and ran his fingers from my hair to my cheek and raised my face so I was looking at him again "I cant promise that Bella" I nodded thoughtfully knowing it was not something I could not really ask of him "But tell me Bella...I wanna no" We both layed down facing each other and I slid one of my legs over his as he softly pulled me in and slid his arm around me lightly rubbing my back.

I took a deep breath , well here we go if he didn't think I had gone mad , he will pretty soon. I wanted to keep my voice even so it didn't scratch on every word so I whispered, and kept my voice as low as possible, thinking it cause him less pain if he couldnt hear the the horror behind mine as I described what happened , before the relief hit, before I felt the hope that this moment i would try to describe brought me. "I remember screaming...He was screaming at me and" I tried not to panic but I could feel my body start to shake harder than before...and I realised it was uncontrollable so I continued before the tears started again, something else that was out of my control. "he just kept hurting me ,he wouldnt stop what he was doing , He knew you where coming, he wanted to kill me infront of you...He wanted that moment when he could look in both our eyes and separate us for good" Edward looked into my eyes and looked like he was crying...the way Vampires cry, He knew I was right. "I remember bits and pieces of what he did to me and thats why I don't want to talk about it really , I think if I try, I would remember it all...I don't want to...I don't want to think about his hands on me , his voice and the things he said how I almost gave in to it all" the tears where here and I was ashamed that I ever considered giving in to James and giving up hope that Edward would find me, Edward moved his hand from my back and cupped my face lightly with it "Bella its ok" before he could continue I cut him off "No...its not , for a second I thought you wouldnt find me and all I could think was...this is it , Im going to die and wanted it Edward ...anything to stop it , I thought about you and how some people never get it so good, never get to love how I loved you , never get to be loved how you loved me...and Im sorry Edward" "please don't be Bella" his voice was shaky like mine and his face looked how i imagine mine to have looked...shattered. "I remember him leaving me alone in the room and I layed there on the cold ground and feeling the pain , trying not to make a noise , I was so scared Edward...But something happend while I layed there...It was so real" I didn't no how to say this , as I thought for a minute Edward expression looked almost shocked waiting for me to finish "Bella" "I...I saw you Edward" Edwards mouth droped open he must no now I went mad but he couldn't say anything "I saw your face Edward it was like you were laying next to me...you promised me you'd save me and you told me you loved me and then you where gone and I knew you where coming, that you where close..." I studied his expression his eyes wider than I had ever seen them and his mouth still opened , He was in shock. "I no I sound crazy" he continued to stare at me and he finally let a hard fast breath pass "No...you don't sound crazy...I cant believe it Bella"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – Self Injury

Bella's POV

I can't breathe, why?

My chest hurt from trying to. Why was looking out the window so terrifying? I didn't understand.

Edward was downstairs getting me some food, even after insisting I was not hungry. I couldn't see how food would go down when it was so hard to even take a breath. It had been over a week since I told Edward I saw him in the cell when he was not really there, He sat in shock for almost an hour. He told Carlisle and he seemed to think this should studied and he had not stopped since he found out, Edward just kind of smiled to himself about it. He said he thought it was amazing and special just like us.

It seemed to make sense to him, more than it did to me, but this world had a lot of things I didn't understand and why try to grasp something like this, To me it was just as odd as Edward not being able to read my mind, probably just something to do with the frequency my brain ran on, or the love that I had for Edward that made my heart hurt.

I was healing fast, my face was still bruised and cut, but the rest I could hide with a hoodie and sweat pants, I still had not left the room. I wanted to, but at the same time it made my stomach hurt.

For once the sun was out and it made the green grass look so nice and soft and I wondered how it would feel under my bare feet. Edward kept opening the curtains every morning; I still did not sleep unless I collapsed.

Emmett and Alice would come up every now and then to try to cheer me up and they did make me smile, but I never talked much. It felt as if I had nothing to say any more, like my voice existed only inside my own head. It was hard to explain. Being able to get up and walk around was nice, even if it was just pacing back and forth from one end of the room to the other. I wanted to close the curtains but it would make him worry even more, and if he worried any more, I was afraid his head would explode.

He walked in to the room at normal pace, he did not flash around like he used to, I did not like being surprised anymore.

"I made you some eggs" I turned from the window and smiled at him.

"Thanks, it looks great" I sat on the end of the bed and had a few mouths full, wondering how much I would have to eat to make him satisfied.

"It's a really nice day outside."

I just nodded and glanced at the window, hoping he'd drop it.

"Did you want to maybe go to the meadow, I could pack lunch and a blanket and we could just relax"

WOW. Outside and a second meal he was really pushing it today.

"I'm fine; I'll just stay here and relax."

His expression stayed the same, understanding as always.

"I'm not trying to push you Bella. It's just…" he stopped and looked over me and his eyes staring at my arms where I had my sleeves rolled up, I rolled them down and got up of the bed and put the plate on the coffee table next to the window and looked out again, mostly because I didn't want to see the look on his face.

The sun shone through the window strong and I could feel the heat on my face, I closed my eyes and enjoyed it, I could hear him walking up behind me. He wrapped his arms around me softly and put his face in my hair, he was doing this a lot lately, he couldn't seem to get enough of my scent. I wondered if it was because he was so hungry. I could not remember the last time he hunted, I felt so selfish, I wanted him close all the time but I did not want him to go hunting to make it easier for him to be close.

I opened my eyes as the guilt washed over me and I saw the diamonds sparkling of his skin, from his arms around me and his face pressed in to my neck. I turned to face him, my fingers traced over his skin.

"You're so beautiful"

He laughed and shook his head closing his eyes and then they slowly opened and looked into mine.

"No…you're beautiful Bella, you're perfect" he whispered.

I felt my face blush and I looked down; he smiled my favourite crooked smile and lifted my face back up.

"Now you're stunning"

I shook my head in disbelief. He looked at me more seriously now.

"Do you feel ok, Bella?"

"I'm fine really…I'm just…not ready to go anywhere"

I turned around again facing the window leaning back into his chest and pulling his arms around my body again.

I could see in his eyes how hungry he was, he was starving, I had never seen him like this before, He didn't even try to avoid my touch or not to get to close. I didn't really understand. He would have to leave soon I knew it and He would be gone for hours maybe even days and I wouldn't know when he was coming back or if, all these thoughts just flooded my mind. What if Victoria found him? What if she found me while he was gone? Looking outside just made the panic worse, my heart wouldn't slow and once again my breaths hurt.

"Bella what is it" I moved out of his arms and leaped towards the windows closing the curtains not letting any light get into the room, this didn't make me feel better, I stomped over to the lamp by the bed, frustrated with myself and flicked it on and stood there looking at it.

"Bella what is it" I didn't answer I just stood still trying to stop my heavy breathing and then I felt my eyes fill and this only made me more angry, I was so sick of crying, it just made me tired and I did not want to sleep.

Edward walked over to me slowly and sat down on the bed in front of me looking up at me with my arms folded and my angry expression I could not wipe.

"Are you mad?" I shook my head.

"Not with you" I mumbled still staring at the lamp shade. "I'm trying not to think about it, just let it be, ok."

I never used to snap at Edward but lately I couldn't help it, he never took offence or got upset, he knew it wasn't him and that always made me feel worse for taking it out on him. Sometimes I wish he would just yell or throw something or storm out, but I would grow into an old lady waiting for that.

He looked at the ground for a moment until eventually looking back up at me; his face always had a concerned look in it, always understanding.

"Do you want to be alone for a while" I could tell he didn't want to go but he didn't want to force himself upon me either, I think even if I did kick him out he would just be sitting outside the bedroom door, and that would be too far away for me so I shook my my head angrily, He tried to cover it but he looked relieved.

He reached out and took one of my hands and pulled me two steps over so I was standing in front of him, I let the other arm drop in defence to his touch,

"You can tell me anything."

I looked down at his hand holding mine and felt the tears fall; I lifted my free hand and wiped them harshly of my cheek.

"It's stupid" I snapped again, why did my words come out like this all the time, maybe my voice was better off staying inside my head, he took my other hand.

"Nothing you think is stupid"

I raised an eyebrow and let a small smile come through. "If you could see inside my head you might think differently, you'd probably think I was completely mad and you'd probably realise I don't deserve you"

I was babbling he smiled back and pulled me onto the bed and laid me down and he laid next to me wiping the hair out of my face

"I've lived a hundred years and I have seen nothing like you yet"

"Yeah, cause I'm odd"

I couldn't help but smile now, my highs and lows were a bit out of control.

"You're hungry Edward" my fingers traced under his eyes "under your eyes its black and blue, you have to leave soon" another low was coming on,

"Bella…I'll go hungry, I'll go black and blue, there is nothing that I wouldn't do to make you feel safe."

I felt calm again my heart slowed down again. "I'm sorry I get so angry"

Edward put his finger to my mouth and shook his head "what's wrong Bella?"

"I'm worried about when you go hunting and you'll be gone and I'm scared Victoria will find you or me."

Edward flinched "She won't get near you Bella, the others have been looking for her" I felt my mouth drop in shock

"Why would they go looking for her what if something happened to them, they could get hurt or…"

"Nothing bad will happen to them Bella, She doesn't stand a chance and she needs to know, everyone needs to know and killing her will show it"

"No…No, what, show what?" I snapped again but not out of anger out of fear.

"Bella, It shows that we aren't gonna stand this, shows that we are united, shows that we aren't gonna take it" I just looked over at him looking at me, Great he had gone mad too, they all had, looking for Vampires to kill, If I had it my way we would all run and hide.

"You're our family Bella, no one attacks our family" that did sound nice; I reached over and touched his face again.

"Family"

"yeah…we're your family, you're mine" I moved closer to him and pressed my body to him, I wanted to fall asleep, I felt so safe and I knew he wanted me to sleep but there was no way. I would not let this sense of security fool me into rest, I had learnt my lesson; sleep was the enemy.

I raised up and so my legs were hanging off the bed again so did he.

"Bella you're tired"

"Yeah I think I'm getting pretty good at it" I tried to keep the mood light so I didn't get snappy.

I smiled at him, he sighed and swung me over on to his lap and I wrapped my legs around him.

"Well what should we do then" he asked, I shrugged, my mind was blank, "do you want go downstairs and hang out with Alice and everyone else"

I looked at the door biting my lip I couldn't help but look nervous and of course Edward would notice.

"Another time maybe" he said while he took my face in his hands bringing my eyes back to him and away from the door.

"I want to but…" my words came out shaky.

"It's fine Bella, another time"

I nodded, I smiled at him still trying to keep it light, I didn't want him to dwell on the whole 'she won't leave the room thing'. He thought for a few minutes.

"I know lets finish the movie we were watching last night" he said with a happy voice,

"Ok sounds good"

He moved us both back on to the bed and swung me onto his side and reached for the remote and pressed play. I wondered how long he could go on lying to himself about the whole hunting thing, I started to think he liked the pain he was in, and as I thought about it it did make more sense that he probably did like it.

I read once about people who cut themselves, that it's a way for them to display anger or sadness and Edward couldn't cut himself, he'd only heal instantly but he could starve himself and even if it was not like that it was at least obvious it was some form of punishment.

I looked up at him without moving as he watched the TV, I wondered how I could fix this, how could I make him forgive himself for something that was out of his control, he had done everything possible to help me and now I realised I couldn't keep being selfish, I had to find a way to convince him to go hunting and I would have to put on a brave face and just remember he would be back soon and everything would be fine, I would be fine, and then Edward would be fed and comfortable, this one would be difficult, for him and for me.

The thought of it all made me cling to his shirt and press my body to his as hard as I could.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – The Hunt

Edward's POV

I stood leaning into the window frame looking out into the woods while Alice and Bella sat on the bed talking about Alice's day at school.

I had forgotten about school, forgotten Bella was meant to be there but Esme had not, she called them pretending to be Bella's mother and said Bella had some family issues to attend too and would have to take some time off.

My room was always the emptiest place in the house, especially since Bella moved to forks, from the day I saw her I spent all my time at her house, Every night, even before she knew I was there, but sense Bella was not ready to leave our room yet, Alice and everyone else came up through the the day to sit and talk with her. It was nice when they came up to see her, sometimes Bella would get so into the conversation that she would lose herself in the other persons words and I would see her face change back to the girl I first met, Happy and carefree. These moments were few and far between, sometimes I could tell she was just being as polite as possible, trying to pay attention when it was obvious her mind was elsewhere.

"So Bella, Mike asked about you…AGAIN" Alice always had a way to make us both smile, Alice loved to bring up Mike whenever she could, and she would always have a glance in my direction when she did, knowing I could not stand him.

Bella giggled a sweet sound that made me smile; she shook her head while she played with her fingers, twirling her ring around and around,

"What did he have to say for himself?" Alice looked excited that Bella wanted to continue.

"Not a lot, Just the usual, will she be back soon? Is she ok? Did I tell you he said hello last time we spoke? He really misses you"

"Are you sure you're not imagining this Alice"

"I'm sure she's not" I added, Mikes crush on Bella was one reason I did not mind missing school, not that I minded, I couldn't imagine anyone not loving Bella but Mike's thoughts got to be a bit much sometimes and a lot of the time all I wanted to do was smack him in the back of the head.

"He wanted to know if Edward was in Florida with you or if he had gone camping"

"What did you tell him?" Bella smiled.

"I told him yes…I thought it was best, maybe if he knows you and Edward are serious he might move on"

Bella rolled her eyes "I'm sure he will survive."

"Well I better go, Jasper is waiting downstairs for me, we will be back soon"

Alice leaned in and hugged bella and leaped of the bed skipping out

"Oh and Edward I'll be sure to say hi to Mike for you next time I see him"

"Thanks Alice" I answered without turning from the window.

"Are they going hunting?"

I turned and smiled at her "yes, they won't be long"

I walked slowly over and sat on the bed next to her, she looked nervous, still twirling her ring over and over.

"Maybe you should go" I could tell she was trying to keep her voice even.

"I'm fine Bella" I assured her, I'd rather stay here with you any day"

She looked at me and shook her head "You don't have to go hungry, I'll be ok. Emmett and Rosalie will be here, I'll be safe"

"I'm sure you would be very safe, but it's not the point, I'm fine. Really Bella don't worry about me"

She rolled her eyes again. "How can I not worry when I have never seen you go this long without hunting? You must be in pain."

My pain was the least of my worries, She always put on a brave face but I knew it was worse than she was letting on, she would hardly ever take pain killers because she was so afraid of falling asleep, I could aways tell from her stiff movements and the way she held herself that she was far from better.

"I want you to go Edward, you have to"

I sat on the bed and just smiled at her, "You know I have a copy of Romeo & Juliet somewhere here, how about we read it?" I scanned the book shelf with my eyes looking for the book, I hoped she would let this go.

"Stop trying to change the subject, I'm not just going to let this go you know" I knew she wouldn't, but I could hope couldn't I.

She huffed out a sigh in frustration with me, "Why are you doing this Edward, I will be fine for one night" She was starting to get upset with me now.

"I know you will be fine Bella and so will I" she dropped back on to the bed.

"You drive me crazy sometimes" she said as she folded her arms across her chest.

I laid on my side next to her, I couldn't help but smile when she was angry with me like this.

"You know Bella you drive me crazy all the time"

She looked at me and shook her head; she was not finding me very funny.

"I'll make you a deal Edward"

"Ok…What's the deal?"

She used her good hand to push herself up. "You go hunting for one night or even a few hours and I'll go out of the bedroom when you get back"

I heard her heart accelerate just at the thought of leaving the room, this whole thing didn't make sense, why would she ever make such a a deal? I looked up at her, her face was serious and grumpy.

"Bella what's going on? Why are you making deals with me? Why are you trying to get me to leave, when I know you want me to stay?"

I sat up to look her in the eyes and just as I did she slid of the bed in front of me and stood over me, holding her body even tighter than usual,

"I'm not stupid Edward, I know what you're doing, and I want you to stop it "

"Stop what" I was confused to say the least, I had no idea what I had done to make her so angry.

"You're always close, breathing me in, and I don't mind, I like you being close, but not when you're using me to punish yourself for something you didn't do"

"Bella this whole–" she cut me of raising her hands in the air.

"Stop. Stop right there, this whole thing is not your fault, you need to get that into your head, I can't take much more Edward. You want to make this better, and you can by going hunting and coming home and being with me, without the feeling that I am going to make you turn to flames."

"I can handle it Bella" I stood up and wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in, as if to prove her wrong.

"I can't, I can't handle it, and if you think I would ever want you to be in pain let alone being the one who causes it, then you don't know me. You have to imagine this in reverse…Would you want to hurt me? Even if I thought I deserved it. Because I don't think you would, I think you would look after me…no matter what." She looked up at me waiting for my reply, but I had nothing. I held her close and kissed her head.

She was right, I couldn't use her as punishment and if this was reversed I would do the same thing, and I didn't want her to feel bad when we were together, I didn't want her to think she was hurting me because it would only upset her more, and I would not be the cause of my Bella's pain, just as she didn't want to be the cause of mine.

Bella's POV

It's funny how I could feel so happy for getting my way and at the same time feel horribly terrified. I could hear Edward downstairs talking with Rosalie and Emmett; he was so worried about going. He knew Rose and Emmett would keep me safe, but he talked like he was angry with them, we all knew he didn't want to go, and I really didn't like this but I had to start fixing this situation and this seemed like a good place to start.

"I'll be back early in the morning, before you wake up, and if you need anything Emmett and Rose will take care of it. If you want to talk to me I'll have my phone on me all the time, If you want me to come back I'll come back right away and if–"

I covered his mouth with my fingers he made me smile, he was babbling, he never did this. He was as nervous as me.

"I will be fine, I promise."

He nodded I ran my fingers into his hair and ran my hand down on to his cheek; he closed his eyes at my touch and turned his face slowly to kiss my palm. I hadn't felt this way since before this all happened, the way I felt for Edward right now was full of passion and longing and I had not realised it until now but I had been using him too, As my protector rather than my boyfriend, I looked at his face with his lips pressed into my palm still and I could not help but pull him close to me and wrap my arms around his neck. He lifted me up and I curled my legs around him and kissed his neck, I was taken over by his scent and it made me remember what we were before this, He was the love of my life, my everything. With my lips still pressed into his neck I kissed my way up to his ear, hearing his hard breaths with mine.

"Edward, I…"

He turned his head slowly to face mine lightly kissing my cheek on the way "I love you too Bella, I'll be right back, I promise."

I watched out the window as he got into his car, he didn't wave he just looked up at and smiled with anxious eyes, he hesitated as he went to get in looking up at me again I quickly smiled and leaned into the window frame, trying to look as casual as possible, I felt fine as he started the car, I felt fine as he drove down the drive way, but when his car disappeared out of my sight I felt my heart speed and my hands shake. Why did I orchestrate this? I really was crazy, He said he was fine, why didn't I just drop it?

A million things flashed through my mind and I could not think straight.

"Bella" I turned to see Emmett smiling thoughtfully at me standing in the doorway, I could not imagine the look on my face right now. "He'll be right back Bells"

I nodded and walked over and slumped on the bed and sat up against the bed head, Emmett walked in over to the DVD player,

"you'll love this, It's so funny" I felt anxious and I wished Jasper was here to calm me, but I would have to settle for Emmett and his funny movie

"You'll watch it with me right?" He turned with his huge smile and leaped on to the bed like a child, he moved himself up so he was leaning into the bed head next to me,

"You think I'd miss this? It's like my favourite movie"

Emmett blabbed on and on and even when the movie started I had a hard time watching it because watching him was so much funnier, he laughed like a little kid, hitting his knee with his hand sometimes, he was enjoying it so much, It was getting dark quickly and this made me happy for once because I knew it wasn't long till he would be home, Rosalie brought a pizza up and watched a bit of the movie with us, she would watch Emmett and smile at me raising her eyebrow at his reaction to the jokes in the movie, It didn't take me long to get tired, It felt like days since I had slept and the sounds of Emmett's laugh was a good lullaby, a happy one that made me smile while I drifted off.

I couldn't feel Edward's cold body, I couldn't feel his arms locked around me, and as I lay in darkness I could see James starring at me his eyes made my body feel shaky and sent a shiver down my spine.

As I waited for him to attack I saw someone walk up behind him, It wasn't Edward like I had hoped for a second, it was Victoria, her red curls burnt through the night like fire and they both growled at me not moving an inch, their teeth showed and I pushed my body into the wall as hard as I could, they looked at each other for a second with passion in their eyes and then they both turned back at me and then at the same time they both leaped at me.

As I shielded myself from them I felt the sensation of falling and my screams sounded loud and real, I could feel a cold arm wrapped around me pressing me to his hard chest, but it wasn't Edward's, I looked over my shoulder and realised I was being flashed down stairs in Emmett's arms.

I did not know what was going on, this couldn't be because of my nightmare, I'm sure Edward told him that simply waking me up would do. I couldn't talk, the shock was still too much, Rosalie ran into the kitchen a second after we did,

"Rose where is she" Emmett voice was filled with anger and rage.

"She's in the woods, She's close, Did you call them?"

"Jasper is in the woods where Edward's hunting, he is trying to track him they will be here soon, I couldn't get through to him on his phone, and Carlisle and Esme are too far away to make it, but they are coming as fast as they can"

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, was I still dreaming?

"We have to get out of here" "we can beat her Rose, I can beat her"

"No Emmett we have to get Bella out of here, We have to get her safe until the rest get here" Emmett growled and sat me on the breakfast bench and turned his back to me

"Come on Bella on my back, I can run faster this way" I shook my head stunned trying to wake up, why wasn't it working.

"What's going on" I demanded with my shaky voice making the words come out scratchy.

Rosalie picked me up and put me on Emmett's back wrapping my arms around his neck

"Bella stay calm ok, Its Victoria she's here"

I wasn't dreaming this was real!

"She came for me"

Emmett growled from in his chest. "She's not going to get through us Bella even if she hunts us down, she's dead."

Rosalie nodded and put her hand on his arm. "That's right let's go."

We were outside in the dark in a second running deep into the forest, towards the mountains, It felt like we were going so fast no one would ever find us, but I knew she would, She wanted me enough to face a family of vampires she didn't care if she died as long as she took me with her & I knew she would run to the end of the earth.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 – Sensation Of Falling

Edward's POV

That feeling you get when you know you have forgotten something, when you have done something wrong but not sure what, that sensation of falling you get when you're sleeping that wakes you in a shock, I feel it all. All human things I thought I had left behind when I became a vampire but now of all times to get these kind of emotions.

To find them while racing through the forest hunting a mountain lion that I would soon be sinking my teeth into, well let's just say it didn't feel right.

It has to be because I have not been away from Bella this long since I got her back, and it had been even longer since I last hunted. I have never gone this long without hunting, maybe it was meant to feel like this; to make me sick to my core.

The lion froze for a split second, sensing I was close but before he had the chance to react I pounced forward colliding with him, I felt him struggle under my hands as I forced my teeth into his neck, and now even as the blood ran from his body to mine all I could think about was Bella, it was the oddest thing. I had never taken Bella with me while I hunt, and for good reason, but it felt like she was meant to be here, I kept imagining her leaning up against the big old tree next to me, casually; waiting, watching…almost bored.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a movement, movement without any sound. My instincts took over as I dropped the lions body and moved back crouching still on the ground ready to attack.

Before I could think they were there, standing looking down at me, James had his arm wrapped around Victoria's shoulder holding her close, they both smiled at me with evil expressions. James winked at me and turned slowly to pull Victoria's cheek to his lips, her eyes never left mine; I didn't have time to think about what he was doing here, how he was alive. The shock stunned me, the only way I knew this was real was the feel of the earth below my fingers as they dug into it while I was still crouched on the ground.

I watched as James lips moved slowly to her face but just as they barely touched her I heard a scream, so loud it should have come from right next to me, it was Bella.

I stood up in a second looking in the direction of the scream away from James and Victoria, but there was nothing. I couldn't see her, smell her and I couldn't hear her heartbeat.

I turned my body to face Victoria and James again ready to fight but… nothing. They were gone, I couldn't see them either, Victoria, James, Bella… all of them left no trace that they were ever here nothing but me and the lions body at my feet. My head spun as I looked around in a circle confused then in the silence of the forest I heard a frightened whisper.

"Edward…Edward she found me."

I ran through the Forrest once again in a race to save her. I darted through the trees, leaping when I could to get to my car even a few seconds faster. It felt like time had stopped; it had not even been 4 minutes since I saw Victoria and James, since I had heard Bella. I shouldn't have left her, I told myself over and over. I was meant to protect her, and I left her. I knew now while hunting felt so strange, why everything felt the way It did, Because I did forget something; I forgot Bella and I did do something wrong; I left her when I promised I wouldn't.

Now I felt like I was falling, ready to crash into the ground with no defence, just waiting to feel the shock and wake up.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 – Your Blood

Bella's POV

I could feel the wind hitting my face no matter how much I tried to use Emmett's broad shoulders as a shield, nothing helped.

I could not even pay attention to the fact that I was being hunted down or that I flying through the forest so fast that everything looked like a blur of darkness, even with the full moon shining down on us, or that he was not here yet. All I could think about is that I was outside; there were no walls here to make me feel safe or blanket to cover my face over with. Even with two vampires here I felt defenceless not just against Victoria but the outside world.

I got more and more angry with myself. I was sick of running and hiding from everything, Why did I have to be so breakable, so broken. I wanted to be as strong as I used to feel. I wanted to be brave like Edward, I wanted the inside of my head to stop screaming his name and telling him that I had been found. Emmett slowed down and I looked around for Rosalie to come up beside us…but she didn't.

"Emmett where is she" he slid me down from his back and pulled me close to his side, I watched his face as he searched for her, I could not see anything in the middle of the forest so I kept my eyes on Emmett waiting to see if he spotted her.

"Emmett" I panicked.

He stood still scanning the forest, "She's not here, I can't hear her coming"

"She was right behind us."

Emmett nodded while he searched "She was going to stay back from us a bit, just to cover us." I clung to Emmett horrified of what could have happened.

"On my back again Bella" I moved fast behind him as he swung me back up. "We have to go back for her Bella"

I nodded and pushed my face into his shoulder "Go."

Everything seemed so scattered; there was not one thing in place, just like before I was in the dark, frightened and waiting for Edward. I looked at Emmett as he froze. He put me on my feet again in a rush and turned to look me in the eyes.

"What Emmett?"

"They're fighting" He looked back over his shoulder.

"What, Victoria and Rose?"

"Yes. Bella I need you to listen to me"

"What" I knew what was happening, Rosalie was fighting Victoria and she was losing, Emmett looked at me with rage in his eyes, he had to help her but his voice held guilt, He was going to leave me to save her, how could he not? The love of his existence, the person who made him whole, how could he just sit here with me while he lost this moment? I was not afraid for myself, not afraid for Rosalie but I was horrified for Emmett and Edward. Because in this chaos it looked as if they were the ones who would be left alone in the dark.

If they lost us they could not cope there would be no reason to try. He looked at me one last time and made me promise not to move, I nodded and crouched down, I watched him turn to run and then look back at me hesitating, I didn't want him to go, I didn't want to have to wait for death again. But I did not want to be the reason Rosalie and Emmett were separated, and if everything was reversed, if it was Edward, I must say that I would not have hesitated like Emmett. The idea of loosing something that cannot be replaced, guilt or no guilt, I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes.

"Go Emmett, save her" he just stared at me, still deciding "Emmett GO!" I yelled, he growled and took off into the Forrest, It took only one seconds until I could not see any sign of him.

I sat very still for a long time waiting for something to happen, to hear something, see someone. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't run it would just make things worse, I couldn't hide and I couldn't fight If she found me before Edward did, completely helpless. I laid down and curled into a ball, holding my knees close to my body and closed my eyes again.

I couldn't help but give up; it was not like I had a choice. I sobbed into my hands covering my face. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, I didn't get to tell him I loved him, I didn't get to tell him that he was everything to me, he was my stars, my moon, my whole universe,

It's not fair that I'm going to die and not get to tell him, I don't remember how I did it last time; how I spoke to him in my head, maybe it was a once only thing. I concentrated on his face, his eyes, his lips, I could see a picture of him in my head, his perfect features, loving smile, it made me cry more, louder.

I reached out with one hand to touch the place where his face should have been, all I could feel was dirt in my hand, I squeezed in frustration and hit my hand into the ground.

"Edward" I said through my teeth as my fist hit the hard dirt again, I felt the bitterness run through me, "Edward, where are you?"

My fingers ran through the dirt again, tearing it with my fingers.

"Bella run, Now, Go" Edward voice growled in my ear and without thinking I jumped to my feet and ran as fast as my feet would carry me.

I didn't know if I was going the right way, I could be running right into the middle of a fight for all I knew, where was he? Was he here fighting? I had a bit more hope now at least if Edward was here Victoria did not stand a chance against the three of them. I felt something wrap around my foot as I suddenly went flying into the ground, I felt hard blunt pain on the front of my head and as I rolled onto my back I felt dizzy and watched as the black spots took over my vision and there was nothing I could feel the blood falling down the side of my face, wet and warm and as I gave in to unconsciousness I knew that my blood running down my face would be what killed me. She would find me faster, want me more, I could imagine the scent of it getting caught in the wind as it takes it to her and shows her the trail to find me…to end me.

Edward's POV

As I sped my way through the driveway I could already smell Bella in the air, I knew now she was not inside. I jumped out of the car and I ran past the house following her scent deep into the forest, as I ran I knew I must be getting closer I could smell Bella strong in the air. I heard the sound of Emmett and Rosalie far from me.

"Emmett" I could hear his feet stomping into the ground as he ran in my direction, it took only seconds and he was in my sight, but he was not alone, Rosalie followed not far behind and Victoria leaped onto Rosalie's back tackling her into the ground, I ran at her with Emmett and we both collided with her, I ripped her off Rose and pulled her body back with me into the ground as Emmett ran at her, she looked up to see his body flying at her and in an instant she lifted her legs and kicked him back, then swinging her head back hitting mine.

She turned and wrapped her hands around my neck and started to pull, but before she could she turned her head to see Rosalie coming towards her, she dropped me and darted off in to the forest only seconds away from me she stopped and looked to her right as we all did when the wind blew to smell the sweet scent of a human, the scent of Bella.

She was gone so fast, I chased after her. She was faster than me; I watched her feet in the distance moving in a blur even to me.

Bella was close and it would take only seconds for her to kill her once she gets to her, the world shook and in my head I saw a small hand clutching dirt, I saw her pale tear soaked face in the dark, I felt the sudden panic that this could be it that it would take only minutes and I would be holding Bella's lifeless body and Bella just lay there helpless. She just laid there in the dirt.

"Bella Run Now Go" I screamed in my head.

I saw her body lift in an instant and she ran as fast as she could into the dark, I did not have long. She was just out of my reach as we ran I stretched my fingers out just missing her, I pounced into the air hitting her down, she pushed me away trying to run again I reached out, only just grabbing her ankle and pulling her back onto the ground with me, she spun so fast to get on top of me and I moved under her and jumped to my feet but before I could think, she was in front of me and with one hard blow she hit me in the chest and I lifted off the ground flying back in to a old tree knocking it down with me.

She took two steps toward me and then the air changed in a second, it went from cold and musty, the smell of the forest mixed with a hint of Bella, lacing everything to nothing but her.

Her blood filled the wind as it blew, and I could see in Victoria's eyes that she was intoxicated, before I could move she was gone.

She was going to beat me; I knew it as I followed her into the darkness.

"Bella Bella…Get Up" I screamed at her over and over in my head and aloud but I could see her in my mind, she was out cold her face covered in blood.

"Baby please, Wake up" I pleaded with her but she could not hear me, my hands tightened into fists as I got close to her but in my head I saw her body raise into the air, but she was motionless, I kept running but this was it, Victoria's hands griped Bella's arms squeezing them, and as I came over the hill I saw Victoria holding her up, crushing the bones in her arms. Bella's eyes snapped open and she screamed out in pain, as I flew at them both.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 – Take Me Home

Bella's POV

This is it; I know I'm going to die now, and I'm OK.

I wanted to tell him that, I don't want him to think I was scared, he didn't fail me. If anything I'm failing him because I'm giving up now, I could sense she was close. It was so weird, even though I knew she was coming and I should be trying to get up, trying to run but all I could do was think of him.

the smallest things seemed so important now, the way he looked at me, it was always so… intense, I remembered how he looked the first time I saw him, the sight of him could have knocked me off my feet, it left me breathless, speechless and I knew in that second of just seeing him for the first time that I would never be the same again.

How could I ever be the same when I found everything that I had ever wanted? More than anything I had ever dreamed of. It was as if my soul was a puzzle and I never knew what it felt like to be completed, not until I found him…my missing piece.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him, so many things he needed to know, that was the only thing I could be sad about now. I love him so much more than anyone or anything, and now with my mind clear I could see everything, every touch, every kiss, every sweet word and every tear and I could see how every second since I met him has led me to this moment and even though it could be my last on this earth I would never change a thing, I have no regrets.

I have no hate left in me, no fear left, just peace and his voice telling me to wake up, begging me, but I couldn't move for him and I was sorry for that.

His face, his eyes, his skin, his everything flashed in my head I could almost feel him, I felt cold hands touch my arms as I remembered laying in bed with him while he had his arms wrapped around me pulling me in so close to him that we felt like we might connect and stay stuck together, but his hands started to squeeze me, I looked up, lifting my head from his chest. He looked so scared, so angry, he leaned down to kiss my cheek and as soon as I felt his lips touch my skin, the pain of his hands around my arms was unbearable.

The sound of my own scream burst my eyes open; I was face to face with Victoria. She held me in the air like a doll, she squeezed my arms and I could feel the bones crush and splinter. The pain was so much more than I could ever imagine anything to hurt. I could feel shards of bone cutting through muscle and bursting through my skin like blunt glass, I could feel my shoulder blades cave in on each other and the cold drop of slow tears falling from my eyes and as I panted for breath.

I looked up and saw his face appear from the other side of the small hill behind us, our eyes locked and in his face I saw everything fall apart, Everything we had built was shattered as he leapt from the ground at me, she knew he was there and she reacted by using the full force of her strong hands to give me one last squeeze and in the time it took Edward to fly through the air at us I could feel bone piercing through my skin, my ribs crumbling and pressing together and then everything inside of me felt like it had a wall of steel pressing it down fast and hard, killing everything.

I panted for air and when it came it hit my body like a train. I looked for him, but he was gone, she was gone, and I realised why it felt like a train hit me, she had flung me as Edward hit her.

I looked over to see them fighting in a blur of motion, I couldn't watch it properly I couldn't focus on anything but the pain, it was the most powerful agony, It had only been seconds since I had hit the ground and the fear that this fight going on next to me would be the last time I would ever see my Edward again forced me to watch, to try to get one more look at his face.

As I watched Victoria slammed Edward into the hard ground again it was almost as if the world stopped as their faces snapped up, both looking left to right Edward looked up at Victoria with dark evil rage and his words came out like a fierce growl.

"They're coming from everywhere, every side, give up now and maybe I won't make it so slow"

She sprung back off him and turned to run, and in the same instant Edward was after her, ready to run off into the forest.

"Edward, Stop" I only had to whisper and he paused, he flashed to my side leaning over me, he looked deep into my eyes, in the same second Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie came at us from four corners. Edward did not look away from my eyes.

"Go after her, NOW" he spoke through his teeth and the words seem to erupt from his chest and they were gone. His hands shook uncontrollably, He softly wiped the hair from my face and the tears and blood that ran down my cheek and I felt my eyes get heavy and start to droop.

"Bella you look at me" I opened my eyes and looked at him again, I couldn't help but smile and I could still feel the tears falling down my cheek.

"Edward…I…" he cut me off shaking his head.

"Bella, don't you dare say goodbye to me. Everything is going to be fine, you're going to be fine, I'm going to take you home and Carlisle will be there soon and he's going to fix you and everything is going to be fine, Ok" struggled to breath so I could answer.

"OK" I panted.

"OK I am going to pick you up, and this is going to hurt, but Baby I really need you to hang on OK, we will be home soon and everything will be fine"

He had said fine so many times, I was wondering if he was trying to make himself believe it. He slowly slid his hands under me and took one long look into my eyes again as he started to lift then his eyes moved back and forth, scanning me, from my toes to face over and over as slowly moved me from the ground to his arms and into his chest, I kept my teeth clenched but the screams came through them and I opened my eyes again and seen his face as he looked down at me

"I'm so sorry Bella, I'm going to take you home" He began walking slowly through the forest in the direction of home, but here in his arms, close to his body, I was home and I could not help but let the sinking feeling win, let it numb the pain.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12 – When This Future Does Not Exist

Bella's POV

It was the most intense thing to me now, the pain was there and it was the most incredible agony, it was crushing and stabbing me. It was suffocating me but now I didn't feel it the same, the pain became something else. Like I put it in the back of my mind and even though I felt like I was drowning I could just relax and not let it bother me.

He won't accept what is going on, he thinks if he gets me home they can save me from this, He just kept repeating the same things over and over, telling me how everything is going to be fine, that he's sorry, we're going to fix you.

I wondered if he knew really what was happening, I know why everything feels so clear and peaceful and everything in my life is obvious to me now I know it's because I am dying, I wouldn't make it home I could feel a slight sensation of gravity pulling me in another direction and all I have to do is stop hanging on to this body, stop hanging on to him and just let go and I will just drift away, but I could see nothing but his face and his neck, I could feel his arms around me and even though everything hurt, I could just enjoy the feeling of him. I pushed my face into his chest wishing I could wrap my arms around him and squeeze him so tight that I couldn't drift off anywhere without him.

It was here I could feel it, right here in this spot.

"Edward stop" I whispered.

He looked down at me, his expression was torn but I could see determination in his eyes.

"What's wrong? We're close we're really close Bella"

I smiled at him, he was so worried, so frightened.

"Don't be scared Edward" his breathing was so rough and heavy and I could smell his sweet scent as his breath hit my face.

"We can't stop Bella I have to get you home so I can…"

"Shhhhh" I stopped him and slowly shook my head,"stop Edward, sit down please"

He shook his head back at me his eyes looked so hurt and his hands never stopped shaking.

"Bella please"

"No baby" I cut him off and smiled again "Please Edward stop, I want to talk to you before…" I stopped, waiting for him to breathe and when he did it came out horrible, as if he would stop working soon, like he too would just shut down soon, shut down when I did.

He slowed down and looked at me then looked forward and then back down at me, he sighed and started to lower to the ground slowly. I could tell that he wanted to drop, that he wanted to break down and scream or run, run home and not listen to me, just run and try to save me, but he didn't because he knew, he wouldn't be able to stop me from disappearing.

He was on his knees still holding me close.

"Edward, it's ok baby, I promise we're going to be fine"

His lower lip trembled and shook, "how can you say that?" his words were coming out so low and scratchy, like when you cry.

"I know we will Edward"

"Bella I just want to take you home ok, please let me try, you're not going to get any better if we just stop like this"

"Edward I'm not going to get better, just lay down with me"

"Bella you're in pain I don't want to–" I cut him off.

"Edward I am not in pain anymore and I don't have much longer left, please just lay next to me baby, hold me, hold my hand, touch my face my hair, just be with me before you cant any more Edward please."

And then he gave in to me, he leaned up against a big tree and laid me across his chest and we looked at each other in silence while I let him accept what was happening, and in that silence as I looked in to his sad face and saw something I thought was impossible, one single tear fell from his eye as he stroked the hair from my face.

"You're crying"

He nodded slowly, he seemed unsurprised. "I always thought if I lost you that it just wouldn't be fair that I couldn't cry over you, like there must be nothing else out there, if I could just lose you and not get to cry"

"I always thought that there was no way I could leave you without getting to tell you everything, that's why I think we can hear each other sometimes, because god or whatever could see, that you and me deserve at least that; one more chance to say everything we didn't"

"What didn't you say?"

"So many things"

"Will you tell me them Bella"

"Of course. You know when I met you one of the first things I thought is this is a really good guy"

"I'm not Bella, I'm not good"

I smiled weakly at him "Edward you are a good guy, you're a great guy…you just don't know it yet"

"I only ever wanted to be good for you, you're not just the love of my life, not just my soul mate but my best friend, I wanted to keep you safe and instead I did this and I killed you"

I couldn't stop smiling at him even as tears fell from our eyes and I could feel us both shake.

"You didn't kill me Edward, I was nothing without you, I was sad and alone and so empty, you didn't kill me…you brought me me to life."

He pressed his head to mine and I could feel his tears hitting my face and flowing into mine. I could feel my heart slowing and the drowning feeling was getting stronger.

"Please hang on for a while longer, please Bella; I'm not ready for this"

"We would have never been ready, you and I, we would have needed forever and still it would have ended too quickly"

"I knew one day I would lose you but I thought we would have had more" he stopped, "you think we lost our future?"

"Don't you, I mean wasn't there more you wanted, out of this, this life"

"Of course I wanted more, there are so many dreams that won't come true"

"Do wish you never met me, so they could come true"

"No, I would never wish you away, and if someone ever erased you from me, I would just start searching again until I found you. Because those dreams never existed until I met you, the dream of just being with you, going places with just you, seeing you every day, making love to you, marrying you Edward"

His eyes opened, his head still pressed to mine "you wanted to marry me?"

"Yes, more than anything I wanted to be your wife, just be yours forever"

He smiled back through his tears, "I was going to ask you"

"You were? When?"

"Ever since I first met Bella I was always going to ask you to be mine, to marry me"

Now I didn't want to go anywhere, my future which was gone now, seemed so bright and happy and I had pictures in my head of everything we were meant to be and I couldn't hang on to them, I was slipping and I started to panic.

"Bella what is baby what's wrong" he saw the fear in my face and he could hear my heart fading fast, he was as horrified as I was.

"Edward I don't want this, I want to stay with you; I don't want to lose you. We were meant to have these happy loving days and now they won't exist, like me, I was meant to marry you and now I never will and I'm so angry, I wanted to be brave Edward, brave like you just this once but I can't"

"Brave like me? Baby I'm not…"

Something happened in his face while I spoke and his determination returned, tears still feel from his eyes but his expression was different almost guilty but I must of been reading him wrong.

"Bella can I ask you something?"

"Anything" it came out in a weak pant and I could barely keep my eyes open, I fought with the darkness to listen to him one last time, to look at him, to look into his eyes until I died.

"Bella, would you do me the honour of being my wife, staying with me forever, never letting go of us, swearing that no matter what it's just us Bella, none of this can even touch us baby because we are so much more than this, so much more than this moment, it's just us now Bella, will you do all this and marry me"

"Yes I swear. Yes I'll be your wife Edward" and he slowly leaned into me and our lips met and I kissed him hard with every bit of strength I had left in me and for one second we were what we were before James ever crossed us that day, just these two kids hopelessly in love with each other and then there was nothing, my world was black and there was nothing but darkness and gravity started to pull me harder, ripping me away from him no matter how hard I tried to hang on so once more before gravity won I talked to him in my head and I knew he could hear.

"Edward I loved you and god I'll miss you"


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13 ****– ****Beginning or the End**

**Edward's POV**

I put the blanket around her tight while she slept and moved in front of her. We were both on our sides facing each other. I wrapped my arm around her waist and rubbed her back and put her head to mine and closed my eyes.

The sun came through the bedroom window and warmed her skin. She wrapped her leg over mine and moved in closer to me so our bodies were pressed into each other. It was a Sunday morning I think she knew that even in her dreams because she would always sleep four hours longer than another day. She loved Sundays. We would usually just hang around her house all day. In my head these are the memories I would think of when I thought about the start of being with Bella.

She stayed up late last night I don't think she fell asleep until three in the morning. She and I did go to bed at eight but somehow she ended up trying to convince me that if I was human she could run faster than me. That I would never catch her. I could tell she was just trying to get me to argue with her, we both know she falls down every five steps when running.

Ever since I moved into Bella's not long after she came to forks we would play this game when we were bored to see who can be the most annoying but it would always end up with Bella red in the face and she would laugh until tears came. Those were the tears I liked, I loved those tears, and it totally made the game a hundred percent worth it.

She had the best smile ever and when she laughed I could never help but join her, even if it was me she was making fun of. She was on top of me pressing my shoulders down her hair fell over my face; I rested my hands on her waist. I had tried to move her off me but she pushed me back down and even though I was so much stronger than her I let her win and looked up at her as she sneaked kisses off me and giggled while she described how my human run would look goofy. she showed me how my arms would wave around and that I would fall down just as much as she does probably even more (like that's even possible.)

"I really could beat you I swear" she laughed out in a high pitched squeak that made me smile widely.

"I guess we will never know" I said smirking at her.

She smiled playfully "Maybe if we could even things up a bit"

I raised my eyebrow at her and grinned.

"You could turn me in to a vampire and then we could have a fair race" she smiled at her joke and straightened her back; sure of herself.

I reached up quickly and rolled her over so she was under me and than I arched my back and neck and did my best fake exaggerated growl plunging into her neck kissing it over and over , tickling her.

She wrapped her hands around my neck and her legs around my waist even though I was tickling her to tears she never pushed me away she just pulled me closer and held me tighter I lifted her upright with me. I kept nibbling and kissing her neck while I held her up.

She laughed so hard she could not form words. I pulled my head back from her neck to look at her while she tried to contain the giggles. She rested her head into mine struggling to breathe. I put my hand to the side of her neck and rubbed her cheek with my thumb. I wanted to ask her right then but I was so worried that it was too soon and I really didn't want to push her into anything before she was ready.

I should have just asked her. I wanted to marry her I always thought about asking her. It was this perfect moment and she looked into my eyes moving in slowly closer to my face resting her cheek to mine. I could feel her warm breath hit my ear when she breathed and I felt my whole body shudder.

"I can feel it" she whispered.

I didn't move an inch. Even when her breath brushed my skin again making me shudder again.

"Feel what" I asked in a low shaky voice caused by the closeness of her.

I could almost hear her small grin. She moved back and looked at my face still grinning.

"I am exactly where I am meant to be."

As was I.

Our whole lives led us to that moment I was sure of it too. She leaned in slowly and crushed our lips together I laid her back down on to the bed and ran my hand through her hair and slowly down her side to the top of her thigh.

Bella lifted my shirt so she could run her hands under it all over my skin. Lightly grazing my back with her fingernails and I could not help but start to breathe heavily. I could feel one of her legs still wrapped around my waist firmly the other was intertwined with my legs. I could feel her hands all over my body and I knew I should be stopping her. Telling her to stop right NOW. But I couldn't think clearly about anything but her body under my hands and her lips pressing into mine.

She slowed and we both pulled away at the same time and smiled warmly at each other it wasn't because we wanted to stop but. It was because I had to look at her. She had to look at me.

We laid like that for hours looking into each eyes until I watched her eyelids grow heavy and fall closed. I spent all night and morning marvelling over her over every piece of her, all the little things that made her up, that made her perfect.

After months of living with Bella and loving her every second along the way. I never until that moment even had a clue of what it would feel like to lose her. To have to put her lifeless cold body into the ground. I couldn't stand it. Not ever.

The months I lived with Bella were the happiest of my existence. But it was not until that moment that I started to panic. The perfect moment very quickly turned into an anxiety attack. I watched her sleep in front of me and I knew that one day she would not be so close. She would not always be in bed with me dreaming peacefully next to me, I felt like I had been hit by a train and that feeling never went away, not ever.

I put my fingers onto the skin on her bare arm and the feeling of it forced me to pull her in tighter and press my face to hers kissing her lips moving slowly over to her cheek and then down her neck and I could feel her waking up. She shifted her whole body closer in to mine by entwining our legs and wrapping her arms around me. I had my face in her hair and I could not stop breathing in her scent in and rubbing my hands up and down her back under her thigh lifting her leg and moving my body even harder against her. She moved her weight into me too and moved to roll me onto my back. I let her.

We both lost complete control. I could not stop her when I wanted her so much. How could I ever push her away when eventually I would loose her for good? I always knew that when she died one day I would find a way to end my own life because this world is nothing without her.

Without her it would be full of pain and I would not be me. I would turn into a monster and simply not care but I could never do it in her name. I would have to die. But if when I die and I do not see her. If I can't be with her after death would I have to spend eternity somewhere else without her?

I breathed heavily into her neck and pressed my face into her. I did not even realise Bella had unbuttoned my shirt until I felt her hand rubbing my chest. But she felt my breath hitting her and she must of felt how shaky it was and stopped.

She looked at the bare skin on my chest and her hands on it. She spent seconds letting her brain catch up to what was happening. She got as lost in the moment as I always did. But I usually would have stopped her a long time ago but I didn't and she had just realised I was not planning on stopping.

She looked at my face as soon as the thought occurred to her. She looked so worried as if she would cry if she blinked her eyes.

"What's going on?"

I couldn't answer her. I just looked at her and tried to find words but couldn't.

I put my hand to her face and stroked her face with my finger tips and then rested them on her lips. A single tear fell from her eye and she took my hand on her face into her hand and twirled or fingers together.

"You're really freaking me out you know" her voice sounded hurt and I could see she was starting to have her own panic attack.

"Don't freak out Bella. Everything is fine."

She looked into my eyes again and slowly shook her head and started to look frustrated in seconds.

"Why are you lying to me?" she demanded still on the verge of crying.

I didn't answer; I didn't want to lie to her.

"Tell me Edward. Why didn't you stop me? Why?"

I looked at her biting her lip and running her fingers through her hair to get it off her face and I just loved her. I smiled because I always thought I could never love her more than I did and I was always wrong.

"I couldn't stop you Bella. I want you. Forever."

She looked at me and the sadness that I'm sure that covered my face.

"We don't get forever though do we Edward" She didn't ask like it was a question more like she was just finishing what I was saying. Understanding exactly what I meant. This life we built, this love that we where drowning in, our laughs, our kisses all of it, It all had an expiration date and I turned my beginning in to my end because I finally had to accept there would be an end.

Those memories of us in her house didn't seem like they happened here in this town. They didn't seem like the happened on this planet, more as if I was in heaven with her. Or maybe it was all just a dream. I would believe it if I was told. I have had a long life but not one day mattered until her. I want to just make this go away but I can't take her and run into our dreams. Back to our peacefully happy life. I can't get us back there. Because we are stuck here.

We are here in Washington in the small town of Forks, in the middle of a forest just on the outskirts of town under a huge old tree. I sat here with Isabella Swan in my arms dying. I feel the world crashing and I can see the tears fall from my face and splash onto her cheek, I feel regret as I hold her left hand in mine and see the spot where engagement ring should be, I feel love as the warmth from her body slowly cools and I know that her temperature will soon match mine. But more than any of that I feel anger.

She is not leaving me here I don't care If I have to drag her through this world kicking and screaming , I don't care I'm not letting her just give up. I know this life has hurt her, I know it has left her on the ground suffering. I know people in her life have left her when they should of hung around and I know I let her down over and over again even if she wont let herself admit it.

But just because life sucks and so many bad things have happened to her does not mean I should just let her go peacefully into darkness. Life is not about not having problems. It's about being able to deal with the one's you have got and right now baby we have a problem and it doesn't mean you get to check out early and leave me.

I don't know where she's going. If she will be safe or scared. I can't protect her where she's going and I don't want her to go anywhere without me. I don't care that I'm selfish and I don't care what anyone thinks of me. She's here in MY arms dying, she's fucking dying. What do I just give up? Let her just give up?

She's so beautiful, everything her voice, her hair, her skin, her dying weak smile and her lips. The feel of them touching mine. I want to bottle it; save it for later when she's gone when I'm lying on the floor screaming and tearing at myself wishing I could pull myself to pieces and feel every bit of it. Wishing to smell her to touch her to kiss her to even just sleep for five God damn minutes in hope of dreaming of her. My Bella.

This is not going to happen to us. I refuse to let this happen to us.

I can feel the pressure of her lips to mine dying, fading. She feels lighter in my arms like something is slipping away from her. The thought that it was her soul leaving her body made me tense and then the pressure of her lips was completely gone. Her head slowly dropped back in my arms and her entire body went limp on my chest. She was still breathing but not for long now.

I looked at her face, her skin changed colour slowly. All I can think of right now in her last minutes of life is what's to come without her. I will spend forever trying to not think of her every second of every day and I will fail. I will always wish she was here with me. The smallest things I will crave. Watching her blush and smile softly to herself. When her skin touches mine and I feel completely happy. I will miss her when the light breaks through the clouds and she would look at me in amazement when all I can do is look at the way the sun lights up her face and makes her sparkle. She's the one who looks like diamonds. I'll miss all her little things. I never thought they would mean everything to me.

"Bella can you hear me?" My fingers ran over her cheek wiping off her tears and mine. "Bella?"

She just laid there in my arms and I could feel the sun rising slowly behind me.

"Edward I love you. God I'll miss…"

The words were like a weak whisper in my ear. I shook my head and shook her slowly. I couldn't bear it and my mind shut down. I could not feel any part of me except for the panic within.

I couldn't do this, I couldn't…

I ran my hands over her arms and let one of them run into her hair. I leaned down to put my face to her and I could smell her hair. There could have been a earthquake but it was just me shaking. Harder and harder.

"BELLA" I yelled and ran my fingers into my hair pulling at it too tight. I pulled her close to my body, crushing her to me. I don't want to reach for her and find there is no one there to hold on to. I couldn't bear it. How do I say goodbye her.

I slowly put her body on the ground and leaned into her to kiss her softly on the cheek. I pulled back faster and stood up and paced back and forth next to her dying slowly on the ground.I almost kissed her goodbye without even thinking. This is something I cannot think about. The guilt of it all, but I have nothing left to hide now.

I looked down at her and it made me sick standing over her like this. Being above her in any way.

_I would have to put her in the ground__…_

The thought crashed into my head and I couldn't make it go away. I could see her laying there fading in the dirt and it made me sick.

_Sorry Bella. _

There is no one here to stop me. No one to tell me I'm doing the wrong thing. No more time to think. I dropped down beside her and hovered over her and put her head to mine. feeling her skin hit me like a bullet and I remembered everything. The first time I saw her, talked to her, touched her, made her smile everything that made me realise I could never live without her.

Our beginning or our end and now she is leaving me I have to decide…

I decided.

"Bella you're it for me no beginning no ending. Just you and me forever" I whispered. I lifted my head and I glanced from side to side we were completely alone just me and her and then I looked back to her face. She looked so peacefully content. Not in pain or scared. She looked brave like she thought I was. All of it put together made her look finished almost like she was complete. My Bella done with this world. Finally my Baby Girl ready for sleep. Her mind , body and soul , ready for rest.

"GOD FORGIVE ME"


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 – This Must be Hell

Bella's POV

What do I say to make this stop? I shouldn't be this scared; it's a bad sign that I'm this scared right? Where's the peace?

I thought everything would make sense to me now. I know I'm dying and I'm in the biggest panic of my life; right when it's ending. It feels like I'm falling and I'm searching desperately for something to hang on to before I fall any further, any deeper.

He won't survive without me. I know him so well. I can hear his thoughts lingering in the back of my head pleading with me to come back home.

To love Edward was to be a drug addict. He often described me as his heroin. My blood and scent pulled him in at full force. But for me it was not just his scent or blood it was every small piece of him. It was as if he was the air and I had never breathed until I met him. Until I met him I could never understand what it was like to really be an addict but now that I know him I totally get it. I live for him. If he is not around I'm waiting for his return. When he's here I cannot get enough of him. He makes me feel greedy for wanting him all the time and having him all the time. Now I just realised I have to go cold turkey. And if Edward is right about his soul and he is going somewhere else to me then it would be forever.

I never knew pure desperation until this minute. It was so dark and painful and the pain just seemed to get worse and worse until it burned through my body. I knew I must be dead because this is the kind of pain that would kill you in an instant anyway. It didn't stop or subside it just got more intense until it was the only way I knew I still had a body because I could feel the pain in my fingertips, in my toes, in every inch of me felt as if it was being stuffed with hot coals that were boiling my blood and burning my bones to a crisp inside of me. I could feel the screams scraping and cutting through my chest. The dry air from them cut me like razors as they passed through the hell my body had become. But I could not hear myself. It was silent which made it worse I had no distraction nothing but the pain.

It all happened so fast. It seems like a blur to me now. I was in my bed asleep and safe a few hours ago and now I have no idea where I'm going or what's going to happen to me it's not fair that this should hurt so much. Not enough that I have lost him forever but now pain… a lot of it.

I tried to imagine him pressed close to me. His skin touching mine and cooling the flames. It didn't make the pain go away but it made me feel safe when I thought of him. Like I thought he could save me no matter what. Like he could save me from death. From hell. That's what this has to be. He's not here so this must be Hell.

The worse the pain got the more I thought of him. The more I thought of him the more guilty I felt for leaving him. Edward and I may as well be one person we realised a while ago that we simply couldn't be without each other, I used to hope when I first met him that when I died that he would be ok in time maybe even move on one day even though the thought killed me I would always want him to be happy. But all of those hopes died one morning when we were in bed and I looked into his eyes and saw it that pure devastation that we would be separated. He didn't have to say much I knew what he was feeling when I looked into his eyes and my stomach got a knot in it that day that never went away. Because I knew that we where only made for each other and no one else.

Most girls would probably be happy with this but not me because it ensured his death. I never brought up that he thought he was going to hell and I to heaven because the thought of eternity without him would be hell.

Alice asked why I didn't ask him to change me so we would never be separated and the answer was simple. I could never ask him to do it. He hates what he is. To ask him to put me in pain when I have seen what my pain does to him. When I see how he carries everything on his shoulders. To ask him to carry that kind of guilt just would not be fair and the love I have for him fights against anything that could cause him pain in any way.

I had been sure that I could be brave and go into death peacefully but it was not peaceful and I was far from brave. I didn't let him go. Not for a second because other than the pain there was still this faint feeling that he was still close to me, that he was still connected to me. I wondered if I could still talk to him in my head. If I could concentrate on anything but the pain if I could tell him. I thought about nothing else but how I needed to talk to him and tried to stay calm but even in my mind I was screaming there was no calm anywhere. I could feel it inside still the electricity that made us find each other when we were lost.

_"Edward I'm out here in the dark all alone and wide awake, please baby can you come and find me"_

It was selfish to ask this of him. To save me from my own death but I could not handle this ache in my bones. It felt almost like they were starting to crack from the heat in me and I knew I must be still screaming because I still felt the air rip through me it was uncontrollable and I was sure I was screaming out his name, begging him and pleading with him to make it stop.

Edward's POV

"Bella I'm sorry, but I can't live without you or I can't exist without you here or in hell and this will be the most selfish thing I ever do. Why didn't you just let me take you home baby…I could have…and Carlisle could have… I can't let you just die here in the ground in the dirt Bella, I can't, I won't"

I knew she could hear me, some way, some how and if she could hear me she would know what I have to do or she could at least feel my intention, the connection between Bella and I was odd and almost indescribable but I could feel what she wanted and I knew she wanted me to save her to stop this but I don't know if this is what she had in mind.

She never asked for this…Never. I never wanted her to be this, to go through what I have and I always promised myself that I would never let this happen. Myself and my family never had a choice and if she wanted to be this I at least wanted that for her just a choice, A chance to make this decision for herself. No one was ever meant to force her into anything. I was meant to keep her safe.

I laid next to her small pale lifeless body and pressed my forehead into her cheek. I could still feel the tears but they felt different now, they weren't just tears of sadness they were so much more now, I could feel the painful lump in my throat and my hands shook angrily as I wrapped my arm over her and pulled her body to mine once again. I never hated myself more in my life then I did right now and I knew she would hate me too and I knew why.

My arm wrapped around her gripped her tighter and tighter and without thinking I lunged at her neck and pushed my teeth into her soft skin. I felt the venom releasing into her bloodstream and I felt her body twitch and her back try to arch as the pain of what I was doing hit her and I felt her use the small amount of energy she had left to try to react.

I put as much into her neck as I could and then I grabbed her wrist still furious at myself as I went to bite it just to make sure she had enough in her system I paused and I felt a wave of emotion rush over me and as I stared at the blood throbbing through her veins in her wrist. I tried to figure out what it was I was feeling. I could see her body twitch and her eyelids slightly shudder almost as if they might open again and then I felt her hand squeeze mine and it wasn't soft at all it was with all she had in her, I thought I would never feel that again and now I knew what the feeling was…_RELIEF_, and not just from having her alive after what Victoria done to her today or the last month dealing with what James had done. But what I had been dealing with since I first saw her. She would die. Humans are supposed to die I know it is the natural order of things and I thought I would never want this for her but she never got a chance to even live….17 years is nothing and the more I thought about it neither was 80 and she would probably not live much longer than that, And I realised as I pushed my teeth through the skin on her wrist that in the back of my mind I was always going to do this. I just wouldn't let myself except it.

I watched as the venom spread through her small body waiting for it to kick into her system. It took only seconds and I heard her breath rush from her lips as the shock of the pain she is surely feeling hit her and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I was the one who caused it to begin with. I watched for a few seconds as her small hand fisted into the dirt and she let out a pained scream that made me flinch and lower my head to hers.

"I'm going to take you home Bella." I couldn't bring myself to say sorry to her again as she screamed and her back began to arch. Sorry was not enough; it was a slap in the face. This was no accident; I didn't trip and fall on her teeth first.

I cradled her body to mine and lifted her of the ground and carried her home to die.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 - To Save her

A/N . This chapter contains a flash back (_ His grip )_

Edwards POV

I felt sick as I approached the house.

I was sure Alice would have seen what I'd done to Bella by now, I knew them well enough to know that they would not judge me harshly, but only because they didn't want to lose her either.

I paused and looked down at her cheek pressed into my chest. Her face kept pressing and digging into me in complete agony, I could feel her teeth grinding so hard that it sent a vibration through my chest and I could feel her muscles seizing. It made my heart ache to think I caused all this pain she's in, I had no one to else blame, not Victoria and not James... me and no one else.

I was a coward, a coward who refused to let her go. Whether she wanted to or not.

Just a few days ago, when she was alive and not turning into this bloodthirsty creature I created, I realised she would never be the same again after what happened to her. I was stupid for thinking It was a wound I could put band-aid on. Like I could eventually make it go away, like I could just erase her memory.

In the weeks that passed after James took Bella all I could see were the broken pieces of her. I would look in her eyes when she spoke to me and she would look away as if she were ashamed of herself. I couldn't take it.

Every moment since I had seen the marks on her body and everything matched up in my head I couldn't move properly. Everything felt like a shudder, with every move I trembled.

She couldn't see my shaky movements, they escaped her human eyes and for that I was grateful. But I was not the only vampire in the house, the others were always watching and waiting for me to snap or break down.

Carlisle constantly wanted me to talk to him about what I was feeling but there was no way I would talk to anyone about this. This was huge on so many levels and most of those levels weren't even mine to deal with; they were hers and hers alone. All I would be able to offer is someone to lean on. How could he talk me through this... how?

It gave me even more reason to simply stay in the bedroom with Bella, I wondered if she got annoyed with me watching every move she made, every breath she took, every acceleration of her heartbeat no matter how small.

_His grip_

_I would lay next to her as the sun rose through the window and the light softly hit her face and just as I started to think about how peaceful she looked her forehead creased and in an instant her hands pushed against me with all her strength. _

_That's what broke my heart, every night when she would try to sleep, I could make out the pleads for mercy that never came to her and feel her hands hit me with all she had and know she would have had no defence. How dark it would have been and how she would have been all alone. _

_When she is still, when she sleeps, how do I know she is not dreaming of being locked in that cold, scary, cell laying still so she doesn't draw unnecessary attention to herself. Watching her sleep drove me mad. The anger and the shaking would never pass. I could rarely see in her head and when I did I wished didn't see anything. There were flashes in the seconds it took me to wake her up sometimes. I think a part of her brain knew I was here and I would wake her up, so it used our small connection to break whatever it was that stopped me from seeing inside her head and it screamed at me to save her._

_I could see the darkness that came from her eyes being closed and then his face through her tear drenched vision. _

_"Bella wake up!" I held her arms while she pushed me,pleading for me not to hurt her any more. She would not wake up, it was as if he was holding her in that dream and I could not pull her out of his grip. _

_"No, no, no, please stop." I saw his hand holding her wrists above her head while the other trailed all over her. _

_"Bella wake up," I was pleading with her now, I begged her again and her body pushed herself onto the bed. I rolled over with her hovering over her still lightly shaking her and begging that she wake. _

_Her hands reached up and grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled at it with desperation. _

_"Bella," I shouted, almost too loud, her eyes snapped open and she looked at me with complete shock and horror. _

_I looked at how I was holding myself above her and I started to move but she pulled at my collar, her eyes were still spilling out tears and her cheeks were still red. I could feel her body shaking harshly under me. _

_"Bella," she was holding me close for protection while she scanned the room over and over, searching frantically for any sign of him. I moved lower trying to get her to calm down and look at me. _

_"Bella," I whispered to her. I could hear the scratch in my voice as I tried to calm myself down. "You're safe Bella." _

_She looked at me and I could see her lip tremble as he shook her head slightly. She squeezed her eyes tightly closed and opened them again, releasing the tears. She panted harshly, it would be a long time until she would be able to breathe properly again. I could still hear her heart trying to bash through her chest as her whole body continued to twitch and shake. _

_"Do you think its meant to be this hard," she whimpered out the words. _

_"Yes." I said honestly. I was sure it was, how could any of this be easy? _

_"I feel flat, like I'm dead. I'm so tired all the time, I don't even have the energy to pretend to smile." She sounded so defeated. she had no emotion in her voice at all. _

_"You don't have to pretend baby, I don't expect it from you," she reached up with her tiny hands and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down so that our bodies were pressing into to each others. I could hear her whimpers and tears falling as she squeezed me closer._

_She moved her soft lips to my ear to whisper, "It feels like the world stopped Edward." _

_"It did," I whispered back with complete certainty. _

I wondered if she could see it now. If she still loved me as the venom raced through her veins burning her insides to ashes.

I walked in the front door, past Carlisle who was holding it open for me and past Alice and the rest who stood by the staircase staring at me, with her in my arms waiting for me to say something. I could not even look them in the eye.

I walked her up the stairs and into the bedroom and laid her down on to the bed. I sat with her watching her movement and smoothing her hair back and whispering in her ear telling her it would be over soon anything to comfort her. She shut me out completely and didn't know why or how. The small gap in her shield that protected her mind was completely closed up , No flashes , not her voice...nothing. I started to doubt she could hear me at all, or maybe she just didn't want to talk to me right now, I couldn't blame her if that was the case.

The only sound in the room where the moans escaping through her teeth and the sudden screams erupting from her chest and all I could do was sit and watch it all unfold.

I heard Carlisle coming up the stairs. I could hear his thoughts and did not want anyone to tell me how "ok" it all was, her pain was not ok more was the fact that I caused it.

I heard the door handle start to turn. "Don't." was all I said and the twisting of the knob stopped "Just leave, I want to be alone with her."

I didn't mean the words to come out as harshly as they did and I knew I that I had hurt him by turning him away, when I probably needed him the most but I didn't stop him when he walked away. I was relieved when I heard him tell the others that it was best to just leave me be with her.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 - Our Anger

_Edward's POV_

My baby lay there clenching and grinding her teeth as she arched her back and gripped the sheets on the bed beneath looked as if there was a hurricane inside of her.

I slid my hand into hers and let it squeeze mine while I softly stroked her hand with my thumb.

"Bella love, it will be over really soon. I promise." I felt stupid promising her anything when it felt like I had broken every promise to her I had ever made.

I used my other hand to stroke her face, her hair, her small arms, her neck, her collarbone, anything to try to let her know I was here and that I loved her.

I was sure she couldn't hear me, but I would not stop talking to her on the small chance she could. It didn't make sense, she didn't react to anything I said to her. It felt like I might as well have been talking and touching to a brick wall.

I cupped my hand on the side of her face,I could feel her body cooling very fast, and her moans of pain were starting to sound more like growls. I felt her grip on my hand tighten so much that it actually started to hurt. I stared at her hand gripping mine I heard her heart accelerate in an instant.

My eyes darted to hers in a panic trying to understand what was happening. It was too fast, the process that should have taken hours was passing in minutes. I anxiously hovered over her and I saw a one lone tear fall from her closed eyelid and for a single second she was completely still.

Her face looked so focused as if she was trying to concentrate on something and then, it was as if lightning struck her.

_Bella's POV_

There are no words to describe this feeling. At first the heat just smoldered through me consuming everything I have inside, I could even feel my bones heat up and sizzle inside of me, but now… nothing. I couldn't tell where my toes were now, or my cheeks, I was just a ball of pain and aching.

He was gone now and that almost made the pain not should it matter where I am, if I'm not with him?

If I can't hear his voice or feel his touch then nothing really matters does it? With that I say to Hell with me, how could heaven exist without him anyway, Let me burn without him.

I was so angry now. I just slipped away no matter how hard I struggled to cling on to him, it made no difference. I remember him being there with me in the woods, holding me and comforting me...even when there was no comfort left to give and then I was just gone. Like I was nothing,

I remember feeling piercing pain in different places on my body and then agony. I spent every moment waiting for the occasional cool strokes that sometimes flowed over the pain, slightly soothing me. It reminded me of him, which meant it was probably just my soul hanging on to him, trying to not forget the way it felt when we were still connected.

I was so worried about him being all alone, I couldn't imagine what he was going through right now, but I couldn't imagine it being much less worse than those times I hid behind my walls.I didn't let him in like I should of.I just kept it all inside.I tied my self down when all he wanted was for us to take flight. Be free. But I couldn't let go. Not just what happen'd with James, there were so many things that weighed down on me and there was no need to carry any of it around with me. Not when he was there willing and waiting to lighten the load. I tried to focus on his face but it seemed almost impossible. I couldn't see his smile or his hands or anything. He was disappearing from me. Why couldn't I imagine his smile? Why was the pain all I could focus on?

Now I was in Hell, pretty soon I probably wouldn't even remember his name. I felt hysterical, like I thought I could use limbs I don't have to climb out of this place.

I was sure If I could hear my voice scream that my ears would bleed. I could not be alone not just here in this emptiness, with no memory of him I really would have nothing. I needed the precious shreds I had left of him; I had to find a way to hang onto them before the fire burnt them too. I tried to focus on the coolness behind me, it was the only thing that felt comforting in any way now that I couldn't see his face properly. I tried to imagine hiding my memories in that cool spot I could feel surrounding me now. Some where that the fire couldn't get too.

But it was like wishing for rain while I stood in the desert, I couldn't latch onto him because he was gone and I was stuck. All I could do was panic, that once again I would be stuck in darkness alone. The rage I felt burnt my throat and I could feel a wild and abusive energy running through my body.

I wanted this new-found pain to be gone more than the fire, this new pain made me feel like I should explode but there was nothing to blow up. I couldn't get sad or upset by all this because I had ran out of sadness, There was nothing left in me but rage and that fury made me think of everything my mother, father, James, Victoria, Laurent, Mike, Jessica, Angela, Alice, Carlisle and Edward.

Everything blended together. The good and bad and I hated both. For nothing and for everything, for not being here with me, for making me feel alone AGAIN. I used everything I had to let that rage erupt from me.

_Edwards POV_

She screamed the loudest and most horrified scream. Her arms and legs kicked and punched the air aimlessly but violently, as if she wanted to injure anyone close. I used my free hand to try and press her down on the bed and then I struggled to release my other hand from hers.

Eventually I pulled free and I tried desperately to hold her in place but I could see the only thing I could do is let her go with it.

I couldn't get through to her and I couldn't stop her, seeing her like this was killing me. I sat on the bed behind her and pulled her back into my chest and wrapped my arms around her waist. She continued to scream and tighten her muscles. She pushed back into my chest and dug into me but as I watched her body losing control I neglected to pay attention to her tiny fist that she threw back in rage; I only saw it as it connected with my face and the force of it threw my head back.I couldn't help but let out a harsh growl from the pain. She pushed us both back so hard that we went off the side of our bed and onto the ground. I just laid there with her tangled in white sheets on the hard floor, waiting for some kind of halt to this.

I have never seen some one go through the change and be in this much pain. Carlisle always assured me everyone was different. I could hear them outside the room talking and worrying about _me_. Bella was not the only one feeling rage now. My head snapped up.

"OPEN THE DOOR!" I growled out to them.

Carlisle opened the door cautiously with Jasper and Alice behind him. As they entered and looked down at us on the floor. I could hear their thoughts and see how I looked with her in my arms. I could hear there pity for me again. They just wanted to help me because they couldn't help knew I could do this alone if I had too.

"Carlisle," I snapped. He took his eyes off Bella and looked only at me, as did Alice and Jasper.

"Edward I need you to listen to me." He said very calmly. That was just about as much as I could take of pity and calm.

"Carlisle, stop. Listen to me. Can you stop this?" I said looking down at her while she tossed her body around in my arms.

"No, But..."

I cut him off and turned to Alice and Jasper. "Can you see her future Alice," I demanded. She looked to the ground and shook her head.

"Can you calm her Jasper," I asked him while he looked at Alice's sad composure.

He didn't make eye contact with me, he just looked at Alice and then at Bella in my arms. "No..It won't work on her anymore... but you should let us."

I growled over top of him "If none of you can help HER...Get out!"

Alice and Jasper left straight away but Carlisle just stood frozen watching me with her. Bella's arm swung back again but I swung my head out of the way just in time but it didn't matter. Her head swung back into my chest knocking me back with her still tightly in my arms. I laid there for a second trying to recover, but then as I lay there she let out a pained scream and she latched onto me. One of her hands was clutching my leg and the other was bent back squeezing my shoulder. It had not even been a minute since Alice and Jasper left the room and I looked over to see Carlisle still standing near the door, flinching his eyes and wondering how much _she was hurting ME._

It made me so angry and sick that he was worrying about me while she lay in my arms like this. I pulled us both up so she was sitting on my lap again. Even though my chest was still pounding from the blow it took from Bella I still pulled her close.

"why are you still here" I asked in a harsh but soft voice

"Edward I don't think it's a good idea to hold her like that"

I looked up at him horrified that he would even suggest it. "She's too strong now, and she's out of control. She could hurt herself" I couldn't believe I even had to explain it to him.

Then Bella's head slammed back again into my chest. I flinched at the pain but didn't let the force of it throw me this time.

Carlisle eyes closed for a long moment at the sight. "Edward she is really strong she could really hurt you"

"Just leave" I wasn't going to let her go. Never. There was no way in hell I would unwrap my arms from around she is not alone, She has got me and I'm not going to take me eyes of her ever all the times I failed her I couldn't do it again.

Carlisle left pulling the door closed after him and I could hear him thinking that she probably wouldn't no the difference if i did put her down, it's not like she would remember any of this.

It didn't matter. I would not I put her down and leave her alone.I would remember every second of this forever and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do all I could for her. If it meant I hadto take a couple of blows to the chest then so be it, I'll survive, god know's she has been and is going through a lot worse.

I didn't realise till now just how angry I really was at myself.I looked at her and lost it. I felt that elastic band of sanity in my mind snap. Everything I had done to her. Everything that had been done to her and now had to be the girl who went through an intensely painful change, With our luck how could I really expect things to be any different.

I remembered standing right next to where I am on the floor with her now, I remember seeing the bruises, realising what had really happened to her. It was the worst moment of my entire changed something inside of me.I felt like just giving up on the world. It just took us and then it threw us away like we wern't worth a dam. But Bella always wanted to hold on until she belonged and that's why i'm still here.

I couldn't be near this spot anymore, I tried to move but it didn't work. This room was filled with memories so dark and tragic they seem to stain the walls and drown out anything good. I needed to get us out of here. Then my anxiety and guilt took over and eventually so did my insanity.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17 - I'm right here**

**Edward's POV**

I leaped to my feet with Bella's harshly twisting body locked in my arms. She continued to scream when she could catch her breath and when she did my whole body ached for her.

Why wouldn't this end. I never thought I would long for her heart to stop. I placed her on the bed and took one last calm look at her before I let the hysteria me take over.

I searched around the room for her backpack, it was near the bookshelf next to the window. I raced over, opening it and put her personal belongings like jewelry, books, clothes, CD's, anything I could fit into it.

I wanted nothing of her to be left here, I hated this place and I wanted her out. I thought about it all, the marks on her body, the screaming in horror from her nightmares, the self loathing and shame I saw in her eyes. The way she just fell apart over and over with no chance of being put back together. It was completely unbearable.

This room was just another cell with nothing but memories of destruction. I needed to get us out of here and far away from all this these unbearable thoughts in my head. At 2:30am I was going to pick up my Bella while she turns into a vampire, and take her to the only place where I knew she was last safe.

_I have completely lost my mind._

I slung the pack over one arm and moved over to Bella on the bed, there was no better time than now. I slid one hand under her knees and the other behind her neck and down her back trying to hold her head to my chest. She struggled against me and growled in pain. The sound was so torn, so fierce that it made me see that there really wasn't much time left. Her heart would stop soon and I did not want her to start her new life here.

I sped out of the bedroom with her in my arms and flashed down the stairs to the front door. Carlisle stood in front of me with his hand covering mine on the door handle. He was there so fast that I didn't even no which room he came from.

"What are you doing Edward?" He sounded almost scared at my actions.

I looked down at her and shook my head, _'what was I doing?'_, I thought it must be pretty obvious by now that I was going insane.

Emmett and Jasper waited in the other room, trying to give Carlisle a chance to talk some sense into me. But I was way beyond sense. I looked at his hand on mine, stopping me from leaving with her.

"I have to go."

I looked up into his eyes and felt my anger start to boil inside of me. He must have known this was going to end badly because he took one last look into my eyes and pulled his hand away. He tried to place it on my shoulder in comfort, he didn't realize how far beyond his help I was. I flung the door open and stormed out past him. Carlisle slowly followed after me with his hands still out, trying to will me to stay.

"Edward... stop please." I laid Bella on the backseat of my car while Carlisle continued to beg me, but none of it mattered. I closed her door and ran to the driver's door to get in when he made one last attempt to stop me and grabbed my arm, yanking me back up to my feet so that his eyes and mine were in line and only inches from each other.

"Edward, where are you going to take her," he asked. I dropped my head and sighed when all I could hear was his love for us in his thoughts.

I looked at him once more. "Home... I'm taking her home." I ripped my arm from his grip and he let me do. I got in the car and drove as fast as I could away from that place, far away from it all.

I pulled into the drive way and gave myself a second to try to prepare myself for this. I took a deep breath and dropped my head onto the steering wheel and let the breath go. I heard a sudden growl from the back seat and turned around to make sure she was okay, she had gripped onto the back seat and ripped out chunks of it everywhere. She'd pushed her tiny hand into the door so hard that she had almost pushed her hand through it. I decided to drive the car into the garage, if anyone saw this we would have a lot of explaining to do.

I carried her upstairs to our room and took her in and put her on our bed and laid down next to her. I was never comfortable on the bed at my house, it always felt like an examination table to me but nothing in here was like that. This was our home. We made it together, there were no nightmares here, no memories of screaming and pain, just laughter and love.

I stroked her cheek softly while laying next to her on the bed. She still tossed and turned in pain, but now she seemed more relaxed in a way, her body didn't seem as tensed up.

"Bella, can you hear me." I moved closer to her never letting my hand leave her face and forced the other into hers and let her squeeze it tighter and tighter.

"I'm with you Bella, I'm right here." I saw the crease on her forehead soften for a second and in that same moment she squeezed my hand tighter at the sound of my voice. Could she hear me?

"Bella, can hear me love? Bella, I'm right here you're not al... " Then it hit me. What if she hadn't been able to hear me or feel me. What if she was somewhere dark and she thought she was all by herself again. With no one coming to save her.

I gripped her shoulders at the horrible thought that she would think she had been abandoned again. I couldn't physically handle it, not after everything. My whole body shook and I could feel nothing but intense panic.

"Bella, you have to know that I'm here baby." I pressed her head to mine hard and knotted my fingers into her hair and hovered over her. Desperate for her to hear me, to feel me here.

Even if this would all be over in seconds, It would still be too long. All I could see was an image of her in my head, the way she looked when I found her that day, burnt into my soul. The way she pushed her body into the dark corner of the room, trying to shield herself with her tiny arms, how her voice sounded when she thought I was James and started to beg me in such a way that would forever scar me.

It was absolute terror seeing her so frightened and tortured. It felt like the room was sinking and taking us with it.

"Bella...you are not ALONE, Do you hear me, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, not ever."

I told her over and over, frantic that she was not stuck in the dark, she would be out soon and the pain would end.

_'Everything will be okay'._I shook my head in anger at myself, even if she could hear me she would still be in the dark and I promised her!

I remembered her waking from a nightmare and then panicking that even when she woke from the night terrors that it was still in the dark. I saw the intense horror in her eyes when for a second she was lost and alone and then she would look at me, trembling with her arms wrapped around herself as if she could shatter at any moment.

"I don't like the dark anymore Edward, I makes me feel lost and alone"

I had told her...no, _promised _her. "I WONT LET IT GET DARK AGAIN." I'd said it with complete confidence, not a shred of doubt.

Hours had passed and I could not calm down enough to move away from her. I was in Hell with her now.

I pressed my lips to her cheek down to her neck up to her ear into her hair over and over.

"I'm so sorry baby, please just know that I'm here. I won't leave you again, baby. Not ever, even if you had died I would have followed you. I love you so much, Bella, and I know that up until now I have fucked everything up, but not again baby."

I could hear myself babbling to her, I could hear the jagged way my words came out but I couldn't stop, I couldn't get a hold of myself. I felt like if I just sat down and waited for her to wake I might as well just leave her. I had to try anything I could anything to get through to her.

_**Bella's POV**_

I could hear all these sounds in my head. I could hear Victoria laughing and I could hear a horrified scream that sounded familiar, like I knew the voice as well as I knew my own. But as quickly as I would hear them they would be gone.

I could not focus on anything but the pain that seemed to consume me more and more every second.

He was gone, so the pain didn't matter, but still my mind kept on playing tricks on me. Every now and then I would hear him but I knew it was just a part of this hell. It wanted me to be afraid and sad. It wanted me to crave him more than I already did. But I know he's gone and that I'm alone.

Everything felt like it was changing. Like I was falling in to this deeper and deeper, as if that were possible.

I tried to focus on his voice because now it was all I could remember. I knew he was beautiful and that his skin was cool and so soothing so it made him feel warm to me.

I remember how proud I used to feel when I would be standing next to him. He used to kiss me and I would float away to somewhere else. Nothing mattered but him, he was like a drug. He made everything bad that ever happened, not matter because as long as I had him I would survive anything just to be with him in the end.

But all of these things are just facts I know. I can't remember his smile and that's what really matters and I can't remember his smell, so what's the point of the rest of it if I can't remember what his face looked like?

I wanted to remember the way his arms felt wrapped around me, because I know that he made me feel safe. I want more than anything to feel safe, to feel anything other than this pain that is suffocating me. I would do anything to tell him I'm sorry for leaving him. I could hear a thudding noise that was going way too fast and seemed to be constantly accelerating. It hurt me more and more every time it did.

"Bella, baby I'm not going to leave you baby not ever"

This voice sounded so scared and pained and I wanted to reach out and touch his face and calm him. But he wasn't there... was he?

I would put up with all of it if I could just take away the darkness. Why with everything else does it have to be dark? The sounds of screams deafened me and made my stomach twist and break.

Why was it like this?


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

**Blocked Bella's POV **

The air was being sucked from my body with a harsh force. The fire that seem to drench me like water ripped through me and I could feel everything tearing up inside of me.

I had no trace of the one I loved. I put up every defence I had but none of it worked. It just made it quiet and that made it even more scarier. Where was he.

I want his hands on me right now, his cool hands would put out this fire, soothe this pain. I was falling from a cliff and everything was being torn from me. With no warning I felt everything, my toes, fingers, lips my hair sitting on the skin of my shoulder.

What was happening?

Then i could feel something bracing my shoulders and i felt one last surge of pain force its way through me and it took the last of my breath away then it jolted everything inside of me and I saw the set of intense eyes staring down at me.

It took me only one second and I used my feet to react to the shock of having this stranger hovering over me.

I kicked him off me and he lifted with ease and shot him into the air across the room colliding with the wall and pushing half his body through it.

His head turned in a instant looking at me in shock and terror.

My instincts took over me and I leapt at him as he tried to stand. I could see his hands in the air trying to calm me. But I wouldn't fall for any of this. For all I knew he was the one who took him from me, that made me forget.

I landed into his chest and we both went down on to the floor. As I pushed him into the ground and held him there he looked up at me with heart ache and I was almost happy. I hoped his heart was broken like mine was, I'm sure this is just a mind trick to get me to let my guard down, to make me forget he ever was and then I would be ready for an eternity of hell.

Maybe I could hang on tighter if I could remember his name... It was gone like his smile. I gripped his shoulders as I sat on top of his stomach straddling him and slammed his body into the ground in frustration

"Bella" the stranger whispered to me as his body hit the ground with a crash breaking the floor boards beneath him.

I stared at him as the sound of his voice pulled at familiar string inside my soul. I shook it of and glared at him, it was a mind trick.

"Bella, baby don't be scared. No one is going to hurt you" he looked at me lovingly and it confused me and made me even more frustrated then before.

My breath scratched through my teeth and I shook as my hands gripped his shirt and held him down "there is nothing left for you to hurt" as the words fell out i knew they were true.

I was defeated.

He had won.

I gave up and released my grip on him slightly as he looked up at me puzzled.

**Edwards POV**

I thought she was angry at me. That turning into a vampire had finally made her realise what a monster I was. But as she was on top of me I said her name so I could start begging her for forgiveness only to look in her eyes and it was as if someone else was staring back at me. The vampire on top of me looked at me like a scared child.

Why did she look so incredible horrified of me.

She was angry and panicked, not that she didn't have good reason but this was different.

In an instant she slammed me into the floor again

"Bella, baby don't be scared. No one is going to hurt you" I needed her to believe me. I no I was not the most trust worthy person right now but she had to no she was safe. But then she looked at me and I saw something in her eyes crumble

"there is nothing left for you to hurt" before I could even take in her words she sunk back down and her body relaxed and then the shield that she had been using to keep me out was gone and I could hear her... 'Why can't I remember his name? " She didn't no who I was.

Her shield that had blocked me from seeing in her head had pushed every memory of me away too, maybe it was it's way of protecting her, to erase everything that hurt her ecspecially memories of me. The inside if her head was dark and loud and I could only hear what she was letting in, it was like she had an extra door or ten in her mind. She probably didn't even no it was there, but behind it was everything her shield was hiding from her and just because I could get in her head didn't mean I could get any where near the door.

it was where everything real was.

Where her memories of her life were.

I slowly reached up to touch her face softly not knowing if she should remember everything that happen'd to her.

A huge part of me just wanted to start fresh here and just make all the monsters go away. The protector in me wanted it more then anything. I could pretend with her that none of this happend. But I wanted to make her see she was home, so she could see she was not alone, that the one she loved didn't abandon her. As my fingers slowly raised to her face and she paused in shock by my actions.

"Bella I no you don't remember me"

she just stared into my eyes in deep concentration trying to match up the dots in her mind

"it's me baby, it's Edward"

the words seem to mean nothing to her and as my fingers finally came up to her cheek and grazed it gently barely touching her. But it was enough to send her of the deep end and enough to make me wish I had just laid there and let her slam us down to the first story of the house. Instead of taking out the sudden rush of fear on me she leapt back of me over the bed and crawled back into the corner shielding herself with her arms covering her head and her knees pulled back into stomach and the only thing I could hear was her panting and the thoughts washing through her mind, wondering why she felt so strong before and no she feels suffocated, trapped and humiliated.

Her mind associated me with the only thing it could and gave her the feelings that went along with the monster. I felt like I was choking as i approached her i kept my movements slow and my hands raised in front of me

"listen to me love, you don't remember me right now, but I'm your family. I promise you I would never hurt you baby"

I should of known better, I was a stranger to her and I just reached out and touched her like it would comfort her. It had not even been five minutes since her heart stopped and she woke up. I got close enough to her and dropped down to my knees in front of her

"Why is everything so unfair, why can't I have the one person I want, the only thing I ever wanted was him. Why do I have to be separated from him" the words were slow whispered breaths that were not meant for my ears.

She still thought she was in hell, that this was all just a part of it.

"he loves you still, even if you can't feel it right now, your still connected to him" Her eyes slowly raised from behind her arms.

"I can't even remember what he looks like"

I don't no why I said anything let alone phrase it as if I were talking about someone else. But she responded and It occurred to me that this might be the way to get through to her. She seemed so crushed as if she had no will to live. But I knew I could bring her back, I had too.

"Do you really think he still loves me"

I looked up with a sigh of relief and gave her a friendly smile.

"of course" I nodded and kept it simple.

Her breathing slowed and her body began to relax. I crossed my legs and relaxed on the floor.

"Does your throat hurt" I asked her softly She looked up at me surprised and nodded her head slowly

"don't worry it's normal and I no a way we can make it go away" I smiled again trying to show her I had nothing but good intentions. she seemed uninterested in the pain.

"why can't I remember him?" I shrugged my shoulders like it was no big deal.

"You will remember, I promise. I no everything feels really muddelled right now but soon everything will be ok" I could hear her mind racing, she wanted to no where he was and why he wasn't here with her.

"Don't worry" I assured her "he is not far away and soon he will be here and you'll be together again... Your not in hell Bella" I whispered the last part unsure if I was going too far. She frowned and looked at the ground. She was terrified about how many thoughts were passing through her mind at once. 'why is he being nice to me, I don't even no him, how do I no this isn't just a trick, for all I no he's the one who took me away from him'.

Her protective instincts had taken over , she was looking everywhere for a sign that I was lying. I didn't move an inch. I could see her fingers fidgeting nervously with the long sleeves on her fitted sweeter. She still had her knees pulled up tightly to her chest but her arms hung loosely around them with her hands resting on her shoes.

I could not help but stair at her, all her bruises, scares, cuts her broken bones and torn skin, it was all gone.

She was gorgeous and perfect and right here talking to me. I felt my body sink and my hand reached up involuntary and gripped at my chest as I felt a sudden rush of relief tear through my body.

She looked at me and with out thinking her hand raised up to me

"Are you ok" she worried but then she looked at her hand reaching out to me and quickly pulled it back in.

"I'm ok Bella" I promised ger and took it as a good sign that she worried with out thinking. She relaxed back again and so did I. She looked down at her body again and I could hear her thinking about how the pain was gone. The only pain she felt now was the burning in her throat and she remembered how I told her I knew how to get rid of it. She did not seem to be bothered by the fire in her body, she was more just curious about it 'maybe he's telling the truth...maybe I'm not in hell' she looked back up to meet my eyes. "I really won't hurt you, I won't let anyone hurt you" I wanted to keep assuring her before she started to question her safety again.

"He could walk through that door right now and I wouldn't even no" she stopped and started shaking her head to herself. She was so anxious and completely hopeless. Her confidence was shattered and with no fight in her, no hope , her shield to keep me out didn't exist while she felt so powerless. She didn't even no she was letting me in and if I thought she wouldn't freak out I'd tell her only because I knew how private she was about her thoughts, they were hers and no one else's.

"why are you here" she asked me softly and she looked me in the eyes and I could tell she wasn't as scared of me any more.

"I don't want you to be alone" she sighed in relief to my words and then she gave me the smallest sweetest smile I had ever seen in my entire life. Id done it with just that one line, it spoke to her soul and made her feel safe

"do you have some where your meant to be?" she asked me curiously with an anxious edge to her words. She was horrified at the thought of being alone.

She looked around the room at all her things awaiting my answer but I just stared at her trying to take her in "I'm exactly where I'm meant to be baby" I whispered and her head snapped back looking at me in straight in eyes as she remembered saying that exact thing to me in this room.

**Bella's POV**

"Edward" I choked and fell forward on my hands trying to fill the space between us as fast as possible and he put his hand out but before it griped my arm my mind was flooded with everything. I remembered years in seconds.

I could see my childhood, I saw visions of myself running through the sunny fields with my childhood friend jacob, playing with him in the forest and watching the sunset in the hill and then I saw him, Charlie stood at the back door to the house with his arms open to catch me as I ran into them, he used to dress me up like a princess and tell me I was one. I could feel his warm arms around me and then they were gone and I watched as they lowered his body into the ground and took him from me and I could remember the incredible sence of loss.I remembered being in my room on the floor in my mothers house thinking that I would do anything to bring him back. edwards eyes never left my face, he was slowly moving towards me while my life flashed before my eyes, i saw every day i spent with him and i closed my eyes and basked in the flashes but I had to open my eyes to look at him only to see Edward stareing at me terrified and it only took me one second to realize why.

I ripped my hands of the ground and rapped them around my head, my body started to fall foward with out the support of my arms and just as I felt Edwards hands on my arms pulling me forward I remembered James , every second of it. Edward wrapped his arms around me and held me close to his chest and stuck his face into my neck burrying himself in my hair. I knew he could see it all to when I had the memory of being held down on the floor and Edward squeezed me tighter and pressed his body harder to mine.

"it's all over baby there just memories" he told me with a pained heavy scratch in his words.

But then I saw Victoria there when James held me captive, she assisted with the torture.I looked up at her evil eyes as I felt her kicking me while I was on the ground , saying the most horrible things I felt Edward's body jerked foward as if he may vomit but I then I heard a violent growl erupt from his chest "I'll kill her".

I cringed at the memories that crashed into me. James was on top of me holding my wrists above my head with one hand and the over held my face harshly making me look at him 'Your mine Bella, Do you understand me' before the I let the memory completely consume me Edward held my face firmly with his hands

"Open your eyes and look at me baby" I did as he said and opened my eyes to see his horrible torn expression , both our chests were heaving and our bodies were shaking with incredible force. But I couldn't block his voice out 'Your nothing, do you hear me nothing, He doesn't love you, no one could'

"No Bella" Edward forced me to look at him again

"Listen to me baby, I love you more than anything ever. Everything he said was just evil psycotic bullshit do you hear me" he pulled his head to mine so our eyes were lined up.

My chest heaved as I tried to bear it all and all i wanted to do was scream and give in to it all because i didnt feel like i had the strength to hang on but I had too,and I knew he wasn't going to give up with out a fight.'Forever my bella, you will never be anyone else's now' I could almost feel his body pressed to mine and it made my hands start to pull at my arms and my stomach trying to kill the feeling

"Don't you listen to them baby, your safe now ok, it's all over. Your here with me and no one will ever be able to hurt you like that again, Dont let it take you over stronger than this" I waned so badly to believe I was stronger than all this but I just couldnt. I remembered the nightmares and pain that followed for weeks after until I was being held in the air by her and I felt my bones snap and crunch inside of me, I could remember the most horrific pain that followed seeing his eyes staring at me for the second it took him to knock me out of her grasps and then I remembered being in his arms in the forest dying.

I pulled back slightly to look at his face, and I looked into his eyes as we both saw me die in my memories. I looked at him shocked as all the pieces fell together, the pain that followed my death was what he had described as the transition into a vampire.

He looked at me pleadingly and apologetic "I'm sorry I just couldn't let you die like that Bella" he shook his head at the memory

"You never even got a chance bella and I couldn't handle that. Everything that happened."

i put my fingers over his mouth "Sssshhh it's ok" not letting him finish. I frantically reached up wrapping my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me, pressing my face into his neck.

"I'm so sorry Bella" he whispered once more but I wouldn't have it

"You saved me and were together. Nothing else matters" he wrapped his arms around me tightly and burried his face into my hair and lifted us of the ground and held me in the air. He turned his face from my neck to look at me and I couldn't help but press my lips to his and kiss them harshly because now I knew what was coming, I tried hard to keep our lips together, but I felt the way his body stiffened and he pulled away with his eyes clenched shut

"Edward...it's ok look at me please" I spoke softly to him trying to use my voice to help him block it out and I wrapped my hands around the side of his face trying to make him look at me

"you were all alone" he had nothing but guilt in his voice and I could not think of a way to make him understand that it didn't matter how we got here, all that mattered was that we were here...together. His eyes opened and stared at mine intensely,

"it does matter Bella, don't you see that none of this was meant to happen, I was meant to keep you safe... That's it, that's all I had to do" I tried to stop him but it was pointless, he was breaking down and the memories in my head of darkness and fear were not helping, he saw how I lost him piece by piece until I didn't e even have his memory to comfort me, Instead the absence of it is what truly killed me. I could feel my whole body tensing up, I couldn't handle it for a second longer, my entire being wanted this to stop and in that second I felt strong and I wanted to use that to bring this to a stand still and just like that he was blocked out again.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Unarmed

**Edwards POV**

It took me forever to snap out of the horrified daze I was in, I couldn't move an inch, all I could do was let the images soak into my brain. I will never recover from seeing his hands trail over her body and his lips forced her mouth open to harshly push his tongue in and kiss her vioently as tears soaked her cheeks and her pained screams echoed through the dark things he told her over and over while hurting her more and more, I watched as she sat in the cell and convinced herself not to try anything stupid again, She would just wait for me to save her.

She was horrified of him killing her and being separated from me. I looked around the room, at her books on the shelf, her favorite hoodie hanging on the door handle, the dust floating in the air... Anywhere but in her eyes. She would not unwrap her arms from my waist and even though a big part of me wanted to hang my head in shame and just let the full blow of guilt wash over me I couldn't bare to let her go again. She pulled her head back from my chest and looked at the ground like she was ashamed of something. I stared at her and I could almost see her cheeks blush

"Edward.." she paused and I could feel her fiddling with back of my shirt where her arms still rested around me.

"Bella what is it?" I asked a little to anxious, still wondering what was going through her head since she shut me out. I hushed my voice and stroked the frown lines of her forehead "What is it baby"

"Can we hunt" she said in a weak brush of breath. I couldn't help but let a small grin break through,

"That sounds like a great idea" I said as I moved my fingers from her face and moved it down to her hand to take it in mine, I planted a small kiss where her frown lines were as our fingers intwined "Come on...let's go"

**Bella's POV **

I tightend my grip on his hand as he tried to lead me to the window. I pulled him back when he didn't respond to the hand squeeze and he swung back around to face me

"everything ok love?" I felt incredible overwhelmed, I didn't even really want to hunt but I was hoping that it might help me get a clear head and maybe distract Edward from everything for an hour.

I nodded dumbly and walked passed him to the window trying to avoid any questions about the blank expression that surely covered my face. I looked back at him as I sat on the windowsill preparing to jump. He looked like he wanted to say a hundred things but instead he forced a small grin and walked over to my side and we stepped out the window together.

He stood behind me with my body pressed firmly to his and it was all I could think about. He lowered his hands from my shoulders to my waist and the slowly slid his hands over my stomach to squeeze me even tighter to him. I could smell his breath wisk past my nose and feel the warmth of it hit my ear and neck.

"do you hear that" I nodded knowing he was referring to the sound of the deer down by the water, but I smiled to myself because all I could really hear was his voice and everything else was just background noise.

I looked to my side and saw his eyes staring into mine and I couldn't help but let the anticipation take over. I planted a quick kiss on his cheek and giggled as I ran of into the Forrest after the deer.

It all seemed to easy as I approached them. I paused slightly taking it all in when they came into sight. I knew he was close behind me but I was so caught up in the hunt that I couldn't turn back to look at him. I lept foward on to the biggest one and wrapped my arms around his kneck and sunk my teeth into him right where I could feel the blood pulsing through him.

He struggeled beneath me for a split second but I drained him so fast he would not of even known what happened. After I was done I let the deer drop to the ground out of my grips.

I could feel a rush.

A surge of power.

Edward stood leaning up against the tree a few feet away. He took a step towards me and then I heard luge thumping noise. My head swung in the direction of the cliff edge upabove me. I knew in an instant it was a bear. I looked back to Edward and I couldnt help but smile widely.

he returned the smile and nodded in the direction of the sound above us "race you to the top" he said playfully and we both laughed and took off up the steep rocky hill behind us.

As we ran up the hill we circled eachother and ran into each wrapping our arms around eachother and planting small kisses on eachother as we ran. It was more like we were kids playing then monsters hunting. The bear came into sight and we both looked to our sides grinning at eachother. It felt like we were a team now , like we were connected more then ever right at this moment.

As I got ready to leap foward I heard him "wait for me bella" but it was only in my head.

I paused and looked back at him. I was stunned I didn't understand any of it. "How do you do that?" he shrugged knowingly at me

"it's not me bella, its you. It's always just been you. All the times we were apart and we spoke to eachother it was always just your power" I didn't really get it, I didn't feel like I had a power and I didn't no how to control it, Edward stopped me in my train of thought

"you can shut me out anytime you want to, the same way you can get into my head anytime you want to."

"So I kind of have the same power as you?" I could hear his thoughts as he went through quickly what he thought I was capable of. He thought of my mind like a long hallway with doors everywhere and how everyone else had one door. He thought I could just think of someone and hear there thought, that I could talk to them like I do with him. I shook my head slowly at him.

"it's just a thought bella, don't be worried and like I said I think you can control this...are you ok" he braced my shoulders and lent down so he could see my face

"you don't have to be scared baby, you can learn to shut it all of if you want to ok. Don't be scared of it ok. It's a good thing, it means we can always find eachother..no matter what." I reached out in a panic and pulled his waist close to me but his hands slid onto my face as soon a the sudden fear set in and I saw the sadness in his eyes again

"I'm never going anywhere...not without you".

I felt stupid for worrying like that but my emotions all felt so much bigger and stronger , I didn't really no what to do with them.

"come on " Edward stepped foward and reach back to take my hand willing me to come hunt the bear with him. We came at him from both sides and jumped onto his back sinking our teeth into each side of the bears throat.

After we finished and the bears heart ceased in defeat Edward got up to his feet and put his hand out for mine and I reached up and took it 'what now?' and with out thinking I thought an answer in response 'I don't no...do you want to go see your family' 'our family' he assured me as he put his arm around my shoulder and turned me in the direction of the house.

"what wrong" he said out aloud , I shrugged.

" it's all a bit strange, talking like that...it's weird."

"I can try not to do it if" I stopped walking to look at him puzzled as I heard him thinking right in the back of his head how he liked it, it made him feel comforted "why?" I asked knowing he would of already seen that I saw,

"wow...two mind readers having a conversation" he said as he rubbed his temple with him palm, I stared at him with out cracking a smile at his joke, knowing that he was trying to change the subject.

He sighed and lost his smile "it's kind of nice...I can hear everyone but no one can hear me, it gets kind of lonely being like this and I can't really control it, sometimes you hear things you'd rather not but now I mostly just hear you" I smiled at the nice thought that he had something to focus on and decided for now to put up with the weirdness and not shut him out.

We started to walk but slowly enjoying eachothers company and trying to wrap out heads around what had happend in this day that seem to be lasting forever. We approached a rocky hill and Edward put his hand out to take mine and I instantly excepted but as I did I noticed the amused expresson on his face "what is it" I asked him curiously.

"old habits... I put my hand out to help you walk down the hill but you dont need me to help anymore" The half smile left his face and I heard the fast passing thought go through his mind that I simply didnt need him at all any more.

"I still need you" i spoke way to fast and anxiously , it was obvious that i had been listening to something he probably didnt mean me to hear.

"I no you do, its just..." The ammused smile returned "this is going to take some getting used too"

"what" i felt stupid but i wanted to no just what part of all this was going to be hard. "dont ever feel stupid asking me anything...We are a team, you and I, your my girl" And with out meaning too I thought the word fiancée just as he said 'my girl' , and the thought was almost a bit unsure, because I was unsure.. Did it all really happen? And did he really want to be my husband or did he just ask me because he thought..." he stopped me before I finished the thought

"Bella...before we go home to see everyone can you come with me some where" I couldn't hear anything in his head that would explain what was going on so I nodded in exceptance.

"if we run it will only take a few minutes...follow me?" he asked me unsure. He was doing well at blocking his thoughts from me so i didn't no what he was planning and I saw him smile at my thought

"lead the way" i said waving my hand infront of me and he placed a small kiss on my cheek

"Catch me if you can" he said playfully and took off in the opposite direction as I followed as fast as possible trying to catch him. I darted through the trees close behind him but not close enough to reach out and grab him. There was so much to take in, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of the Forrest, it smelt so fresh and looked so viberant and I couldn't help but try to listen to him as I ran, it did feel very like a complete invasion of his privacy but I couldn't help myself. As soon as I tried I could hear him as clear as day 'I hope this is right...this could be a really bad idea ,She has to no but' I didn't get much more then that out of his head, probably because he knew I was listening. I didn't take long until I saw him start to slow down and in an instant he stopped and I couldn't help but giggle when I had to turn back after running right past him. I skipped to his side and took his hand to put it in mine again where it belonged. I looked up from our intertwined fingers and saw the expression on his face. 'This is it...this is the spot' he thought, I looked around and then I saw it.


End file.
